


you were mine for the summer

by perfect-porcelain (tedddylupin)



Category: The Society (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Parallel Universe, Alternate Universe - Summer Camp, Anxiety Attacks, Don't copy to another site, Grizz is a soft horse boy, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Sam is an archery master, Slow Burn, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-05-14 15:42:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 39,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19276351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tedddylupin/pseuds/perfect-porcelain
Summary: Welcome to West Ham Summer Camp where Sam has been hired on as the archery leader and Grizz is in charge of the stables and generally being a good former eagle scout. It's going to be the summer they both never forget.





	1. welcome wagon

Sam was in over his head. Yep. That much was very clear the moment he drove up. 

 

Honestly the amount of time he had driven since the last gas station should have been a bit of a warning, if the fact that the driveway was a mile long wasn’t enough. 

 

He wasn’t a _woods_ kind of guy. Hell, most of the time he had spent in nature had been at his grandma’s last birthday party that they held outside on her farm that he visited during the summer growing up. But that was a farm and this was _woods_. There was a difference. 

 

“What the fuuuuuuck….” He muttered under his breath as the sign came into view. Sure it looked like the website and how Becca described, but it was much different in person. It was homey but in a “you might get murdered here or break an arm but boy howdy if this ain’t a fun place” kinda way. 

 

He was gonna kill Becca for roping him into this.

 

The sign for West Ham Summer Camp passed over his car and he drove slowly down the gravel path that was littered with pinecones, his entire body shaking from the amount of bumps. 

 

The cabins seemed decent from the distance and they were centered around a giant building. All were made of wood of course and Sam had to wonder if they were up to code. 

 

His eyes widened when he saw Becca waving from the porch of the big house and ran down the stairs to meet him. 

 

“Hi!” She greeted, signing from afar as he came to a stop.

 

“Hey, where do I go?” He asked, signing in a curt manner.

 

“Go around the back and there’s a parking lot. You can park next to me.” She explained and he nodded but didn’t move when her giant smile wouldn’t falter. “I’m so excited you’re here. You’re gonna love everyone.”

 

“Uh okay sure.” He said warily and she pursed her lips before rolling her eyes.

 

“You are so annoying. Just go. Leave your stuff in the trunk, we can get it later.” She shooed him on and he laughed, following her directions. 

 

He recognized her car and easily pulled in next to her before parking and getting out, leaving his stuff behind like she told him. She had followed around to the back and he trudged up the path to meet her. 

 

She was practically bouncing on her toes, he had never seen her this excited. They had known each other since high school and while they both went to different colleges, they continued to stay best friends. It had been her bugging him to apply to the camp for the summer and he had stupidly agreed. In truth it had only been because it would have looked good on his resume and he needed some service hours anyways. Plus they were paying him pretty well for also housing and feeding him too. 

 

“Okay follow me so you can check in.” She explained and grabbed his hand, yanking him with entirely too much strength for her tiny body. 

 

He wasn’t sure what to expect on the inside of this large building but he was pleasantly surprised. It was air conditioned and had a natural rock surface inside along with the wood walls. It was also decorated like one would expect a summer camp to be, but he wasn’t mad about it. It had a home feel to it and he decided that if everything else was like this place, perhaps it wouldn’t be too bad.

 

“Cassandra, this is Sam.” Becca parked them in front of a blonde girl with a clipboard who looked at Sam before looking down at her papers.

 

She looked back up and gave him a wide smile. “Hi Sam, I’m Cassandra, I’m in charge of all the girls for the summer.” She stuck out her hand and he took it easily. “Welcome to West Ham Summer Camp. I see you’re in charge of archery for the summer.” 

 

He nodded. “Becca talked me into it.” He said, signing along naturally and she looked at him with a little surprise in her expression. “Oh sorry, I’m deaf, but I read lips just fine.” He explained and she gave him another big smile.

 

“I know a little sign. Maybe I’ll get the chance to learn some more from you before the summer’s out.” Cassandra gave him a genuine expression and Sam already decided that he liked her. “If you want to go over to Gordie, he’ll have your room assignment. Since you’re not a cabin leader you’ll be bunking with some of the other activity leaders.” 

 

He turned and saw another person with a clipboard, a guy this time and he nodded. He walked over to Gordie who was standing with some of the other guys. 

 

“Hey, Cassandra told me to talk to you.” He said a little hesitant around the other guys. He always was intimidated when first meeting other guys for the first time. He never knew if they would judge him for his speech or using sign. “I’m Sam Eliot. I’m checking in.” 

 

Gordie gave him a genuine smile. “Hey Sam, I’m Gordie. I’m in charge of all the boys this summer.” Gordie looked down quickly at his clipboard before looking back up at Sam. “Looks like you’re going to be in Cabin 2 with three other guys.” Gordie looked around and frowned. “I don’t see Grizz, but I’ve got Will and Luke here.” 

 

Sam’s eyes flicked to the boys around Gordie as the boy looked for whoever went with those names. He watched as Gordie motioned for two guys to come over. 

 

“Hey man, I’m Will. I’m the lead cook this year.” The guy stuck out his hand and Sam shook it. Will seemed okay if first impressions meant anything. 

 

“I’m Luke, I’m in charge of the sports this summer.” Luke stuck out his hand and Sam took it as well. Luke seemed like the jock type and Sam never knew what to think of those. So far he seemed alright.

 

“I’m Sam. I’ll be doing archery this summer.” He explained and carefully watched the boy’s expressions for their reaction to his speech. He knew he didn’t speak perfectly, how could he after not being able to hear himself for so many years? He had done a bit of speech therapy when he was younger but if you couldn’t hear yourself you only had the movements to go off of. Neither of the boys seemed super fazed by it though he did catch a flicker of confusion before they each realized what was up. 

 

Luke’s eyes brightened when Sam mentioned archery. “Wait, you’re the collegiate archer? I knew they were getting someone new this summer. Dude you’re really good from what I hear.”

 

Sam laughed and shrugged. “Does a couple of gold medals and junior Olympics count?”

 

“What? Gold medals? Dude that’s awesome!” Will jumped in and Sam grinned. He didn’t like to boast a lot but if they already knew might as well reap some of the praise. It was the reason he had gotten hired in the first place though this was a bit of a step down from junior Olympics. He figured he could always train during his downtime anyways. 

 

“That’s so sweet.” Luke agreed with a nod. “Listen, Will and I already kinda claimed bunks but if you want to grab your stuff from your car we can show you where the cabin is.” 

 

Sam nodded and the two boys followed him out. They continued to chat about archery and explained some of the things the camp did like how Luke was expected to come up with games every week and Will had to figure out the menu month by month. They were both Sam’s age or older, Will going into his junior year in college and Luke his senior year. It was a bit hard keeping up with the conversation but they somehow innately knew that Sam needed extra help in understanding and he was grateful.

 

“So this is Luke and I’s bunk.” Will patted one of the bunks in the corner of the cabin. “Looks like Grizz has taken the bottom of this bunk and the single is for Gordie.”

 

“Top bunk it is then.” Sam grinned and dropped his bags on the floor, figuring he would have more time to unpack later. 

 

“I think it’s almost lunch time.” Luke said and Sam nodded, following the boys out back towards the main lodge. 

 

The camp had provided pizza for everyone and Sam got a slice, sitting next to Becca. 

 

“How are the boys?” She asked, signing with one hand as she held her pizza with the other.

 

“So far they’re both really nice. I haven’t seen this Grizz person who has my lower bunk.” He replied and Becca shrugged.

 

“Grizz tends to either hang out with the guys or be by himself.” 

 

They both looked up as two girls sat across from them. Becca smiled at both of them. “Sam, this is Kelly and Helena.” 

 

“Hi Sam. Nice to finally meet you. Becca hasn’t shut up about you since she’s gotten here.” Kelly smiled and Sam gave her a smile back. “I’ll be bunking with her since I’m the nurse’s aide.” She explained.

 

“I gotta bunk with my cabin of 8 girls.” Helena grumbled. “I can’t believe you got arts and crafts this year Becca.”

 

“Well the fact that I’m an art major had nothing to do with it, obviously.” Becca flicked her hair over her shoulder before laughing. 

 

“Who else is rooming with you?” Sam asked, turning to look at Becca with his head.

 

“Cassandra obviously and then another girl, Ericka who’s head lifeguard, and Gwen who’s the stable hand.” Becca explained. 

 

Sam nodded and continued to follow the conversation, asking questions when necessary. 

 

“Guys! Listen up!” He caught Cassandra and Gordie call attention to the full room. “We’re going to split up into groups based on your job. If you’re an activity leader, you’re free to take inventory and make lists. If you’re a cabin leader, you’re with the two of us while we go over rules and regulations.” 

 

Sam turned to Becca. “Where would the archery inventory be?” He asked.

 

“Hm...probably at the stables I would guess? Archery is set up close to there so it would make the most sense.” Becca pondered for a moment before answering. 

 

“Yeah that’s where we put the supplies when we locked up last summer.” Kelly filled in and Sam nodded. He remembered seeing stables off in the distance when Will and Luke were showing him the cabin. 

 

He swung his leg out from the table and hopped up, figuring he could make his way there himself. The path seemed longer than it had from the road and he was already annoyed with how far it was from his cabin and the main lodge. 

 

As he got closer, he could smell the horses and it almost reminded him of his summers on his grandma’s farm. She had a few cows and two horses though they were both too old to ride. He liked hanging out in the stable with them, especially on rainy days where the hay smelled sweet and their soft whickers echoed in the old barn. 

 

“Hello?” He called out, mostly as a courtesy since he couldn’t _actually_ here if anyone was calling back to him. The stable seemed empty save for the many horses in the stalls. He wandered down the large aisle before coming across what looked like a storage closet. He looked around, still seeing no one and slipped inside. 

 

It was mostly bags of feed but as he worked his way into the tangled mess, he spotted a box with the faint writing of “bows” on the side. Judging from the size of the box he could only assume they were kid practice bows. He would never _dare_ but his bow into something like that. He yanked on the box and it slowly shifted out from under the shelf but he had to put his entire weight into it. 

 

Suddenly, it came crashing out and he went flying back, falling on more bags of feed. He groaned but then let out a laugh, mostly at the stupidity of it all and got to his feet. He brushed off his ass and legs before turning and nearly jumping out of his skin. 

 

A taller boy stood in the doorway, hair up into a haphazard ponytail and he was fuming. 

 

“What the fuck man?” Sam read his lips.

 

“Oh sorry, I’m deaf. Did you say something before?” He explained and the boy faltered for a moment before continuing to look pissed.

 

“What the fuck are you doing in my stable?”

 

Sam’s lips quirked into a flash of a smile. His stable? Did he own the place? “I’m looking for archery stuff. I’m the archery leader for the summer.” 

 

The boy crossed his arms and Sam couldn’t help but notice the muscles peeking out of the ratty t-shirt. “You’re in charge of archery?” 

 

“Yeah, I’m Sam.” He attempted to get closer, hand outstretched but he was blocked in by the box of bows and bags of feed. 

 

The guy hesitated before shaking his head and leaning forward to shake Sam’s hand awkwardly. “I’m Grizz.” Was all the guy said and Sam brightened. 

 

“Oh you’re my bunk mate. I promise I don’t turn too much in the night.” He grinned and Grizz (what kind of name was that? Like a grizzly bear?) smirked, still a little stand-offish. 

 

“That’s what earplugs are for.” Grizz said simply and Sam smirked.

 

“I come by those naturally.” 

 

Grizz stared at him. “Did you just make a deaf joke?” 

 

“Yeah I make a lot of jokes though you don’t seem to like them.” Sam squinted a bit.

 

Grizz was silent for a moment. “You caught me off guard. I didn’t think anyone would be here for a while.”

 

“Are you in charge of the stables this summer?” Sam asked and Grizz nodded.

 

“Stables and outdoor expeditions. I teach the kids about the wildlife.” Grizz shifted on his feet. “Now if you don’t mind, I gotta get back to work.” 

 

“Oh right. I would say holler if I’m making too much noise but that wouldn’t work.” Sam grinned and Grizz laughed, shaking his head to himself. “I still got it.” Sam laughed as well and Grizz brushed him off with his hand then turned and left once more.

 

Sam let himself watch Grizz go. Ohhhhh boy this was going to be interesting.

 

As Sam went through his inventory he thought that perhaps this summer wouldn’t be so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes it's me, back again. this time for a chaptered fic because i'm weak for summer camp fics and yeah i'm probably gonna speed through this because i have zero self control. This is gonna be a back and forth POV where sam will have one chapter and grizz will have the next one that way we get both sides of the story. How long this is gonna be? idk but strap in and keep your smores close because it's time to fuckin party


	2. ignored signs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grizz attempts to get the stables ready only Sam is there and he's ignoring everything about him.

“Grizz where do you want these bridles?” Gwen called out from down the row of stalls.

 

Grizz poked his head out from the stall he was currently mucking. “Put them in the tack room for now. I want to go through them later.” He pushed up the sleeves of his shirt, wishing he had chosen a tank rather than a t-shirt. At least his hair was out of his face thanks to Gwen coming through with a ponytail holder. He couldn’t believe he forgot all of his at home.

 

He let his music drown out his thoughts as he pushed the shovel under the dirty straw. He couldn’t wait for the kids to get here so it wasn’t just him and Gwen doing all the work. Not that this was his first year being stable lead. It was actually his third year, something that he only got because he had been coming to West Ham since the first opportunity he could. He was practically raised here.

 

There was something different about being surrounded by nature. Something ethereal that made everything that made him worry quiet down and only whisper to him instead of screaming in his head constantly. 

 

It didn’t hurt that for the most part, he could choose to only be around the horses. And Gwen of course, but she got it. She could tell by the way he held himself if he was needing company or not. 

 

He couldn’t explain it. Sometimes he needed to be alone and sometimes he desperately needed to be around people. West Ham was perfect for that. He had even made the loft something of a second cabin, sleeping in the stable when people got to be too much for him. 

 

He finished the stall and moved the wheelbarrow to the next stall, music still pounding in his ears. It was the second day of training for the other leaders though he had gotten here a week earlier to get acquainted with the horses. Dealing with five new horses including the other 10 meant that he had to quickly learn their personalities. 

 

Grizz looked up down the aisle of stalls and saw Gwen working away but then his eyes caught the sight of the new kid sitting on a stool and going through what looked like a box filled with arrows, tossing some to the side. 

 

He wasn’t sure what to make of Sam. The guy had been nice, funny even, but Grizz often took a bit to warm up to people who invaded his space and Sam was doing just that. 

 

Grizz pulled out one of his earbuds and placed the wheelbarrow down before walking up to Sam. He kicked at the box a little to get his attention. 

 

Sam looked up and Grizz was going to ignore the jolt that those blue eyes sent through him. “Do you mind doing this somewhere else?” He gestured to the arrows strewn about.

 

“Oh, sorry,” Sam rose, dusting himself off and Grizz was going to ignore the way his eyes followed Sam’s movements. “I figured I could do this in the shade but if you want me to move I can.” 

 

Grizz thought for a moment, teeth biting his lip subconsciously. “I gotta move the horses back into the stalls in about 30 minutes. I guess you can stay here until then.” He wiped the sweat off his forehead with one of his t-shirt sleeves, bending his head down a bit to reach it. 

 

“Thanks. I should be done by then,” Sam replied. “Uh...do you need any help? I’m basically done with inventory after the arrows.” 

 

“He can help me!” Gwen called but Sam didn’t turn at the noise. Gwen poked her head out from the tack room and wiped her hands on a cloth, joining the two of them. “You want to help me Sam?” She asked as she came into his eye line.

 

“Sure,” Sam agreed and turned back to Grizz. “I figure we’re going to be seeing a lot of each other this summer. Might as well help out. My grandma had horses that I would help with when I visited her during the summer but I never really learned how to ride well, just how to muck stalls.” 

 

Grizz gave him a lopsided half smile. “You’re probably going to regret offering.” 

 

“Wow way to scare him away,” Gwen rolled her eyes. Sam chuckled and Grizz cleared his throat. 

 

“Aight, back to work,” Grizz gave Gwen a look and she sighed and shook her head. She gave Sam a look and he smirked at her, looking up at Grizz before turning back to his arrows. 

 

Grizz slipped his earbud back in and got back to work. He was going to ignore the way he kept looking over at Sam each time he came out of the stall to dump things into the wheelbarrow. 

 

He finished the stalls and Sam it seemed was finished with his arrows considering he found the boy and Gwen in the tack room. Grizz took off his weathered gloves and chucked them on the desk. 

 

“Gwen hand me some leads will you?” He interrupted and Gwen looked up from the mess of the bridles that were strewn across the floor. She and Sam had been laughing about something and Grizz was going to ignore the twist of his gut. 

 

Sam popped up and grabbed the leads from the wall handed them to Grizz. He was surprised that Sam knew what leads were and he gave the guy a little smile of thanks. 

 

“Do you need help bringing any of them in?” Sam asked, leaning against the desk. Grizz looked to Gwen who shrugged.

 

“If I try to move now I’ll probably cut off circulation to at least one limb.” She explained and Grizz let out a breathy laugh.

 

He turned to Sam. “Alright, let’s hope you were right about working with horses before.” Sam beamed and followed Grizz out to the first pasture where four of the horses were. “Go for Misty, she’s the gray mare over there by the post,” Grizz pointed out one of the more docile horses that he had worked with for years. 

 

Sam nodded and grabbed one of the leads. Grizz stood for a moment and made sure that Sam knew what he was doing. He was going to ignore the squeeze of his heart as he watched the redhead whisper things to the horse who looked at him with interest. He was going to ignore the smile that he couldn’t help but make when Sam’s hands rubbed across Misty’s neck and deftly attached the lead. 

 

Grizz held up four fingers. “ Go to the fourth stall!” He called, hoping that Sam could get the message. He kept forgetting that he couldn’t just shout instructions and expect Sam to hear them. Sam gave him a thumbs up and Grizz turned to pasture and walked towards a dark chestnut stallion who he usually had words with. 

 

“Come on Rocky,” Grizz cooed and the horse ignored him as he approached, continuing to graze. “Let’s start this summer on a good foot okay boy?” He continued to use a low, comforting tone. As he got closer, he watched Rocky’s ears for a reaction. He paused for a moment when they faced backward and then slowly moved forward again. Soon he was slowly stroking Rocky’s side in a calm manner and began to lean down to clip the lead on his halter and was not even surprised when the stallion bolted away and Grizz was suddenly tipping forward without any thing to hold onto for support. He cursed under his breath as he caught himself though incredibly ungraceful. 

 

Grizz reached into his pocket for sugar cubes and sudden Rocky was interested. “When in doubt resort to bribery you fat boy,” Grizz smirked and while Rocky’s lips snuffled around his hand, he easily hooked the lead into place and set off toward the stall.

 

“Nicely done,” Sam gave him a grin at the fence and Grizz rolled his eyes.

 

“Every summer it’s like this until he realizes that he has to actually do work again,” Grizz explained as Rocky walked slowly behind him, Grizz yanking on the lead a few times when the horse attempted to stop for more morsels. “You’re about to get feed you fatty,” He hissed at the horse. He was going to ignore the way Sam’s laugh sparkled in the air around him.

 

After he got Rocky into the stall, he and Sam worked to get the rest of the horses back in for the night. He didn’t want them over grazing on the grass considering this was only the very start of summer and they only had one more pasture to loop in when the grass got low in the others. 

 

“How long have you been doing this?” Sam asked once they were sitting in the tack room while Gwen went around with the feed and water. 

 

“This will be my third summer as horse lead, though I’ve been coming here since I was 12.” Grizz said after he took a sip of water. He had pushed his stubborn sleeves back up and was leaning back against the desk on the floor. “Why did you come this summer?”

 

Sam shrugged. “Becca kinda roped me into it and I needed something good for my resume. It doesn’t hurt that I’ll be able to train when I’m not with the kids.”

 

“So you’re legit right? Like full on archery professional?”

 

Sam chuckled. “I’ve been doing it since I was I guess 10. It’s a part of me and Harvard gave me a scholarship to play for them. Otherwise I think I would try to do it professionally but my parents insisted I go to college.”

 

Grizz’s eyes widened slightly at the words Harvard. Sam had seemed smart but Harvard was another animal. He was going to ignore the way his gaze dropped to Sam’s biceps that while were not overly large were definitely muscled and toned and tanned from the outdoors where he assumed Sam practiced. “Professional as in the Olympics?”

 

“Yeah,” Sam shrugged, taking a sip of his own water. “I’ve been to the junior Olympics three times but never the actual Olympics. I wasn’t old enough at the last one.” Sam cleared his throat. “Where do you go to college? I mean….if you go to college. If you don’t that’s cool too.” 

 

Grizz watched Sam’s hands sign along. Sam was so fast at it that he couldn’t keep up. Not that he knew much sign, mostly just the alphabet and basic vocabulary. He had caught a few signs so far but not nearly enough to string together what Sam was saying without Sam’s verbal speech. 

 

“Grizz?” 

 

He blinked and realized that Sam was waiting for him to answer. He was going to ignore the fact that he had been so entranced by Sam’s signing that he had lost all train of thought. “Sorry. I go to Yale.”

 

“Yale. That’s pretty neat. We’re supposed to be rivals right?” Sam mused with an amused smile. 

 

“Yeah I guess so but I don’t really care about that,” Grizz gave a little smile and a shrug. “I mean I used to play football in high school but let’s be real, the Ivy League doesn’t have that great of a rep when it comes to football.” 

 

Sam snickered and shook his head. “No, they definitely do not.”

 

“Hey guys, I think it’s time for dinner,” Gwen interrupted, poking her head in. Grizz looked at his watch and nodded.

 

The three of them tramped towards the main lodge and went their separate ways. Grizz was going to ignore the pang that he felt when Sam made a beeline for Becca and the rest of the girls. 

 

“Grizz what the fuck man, you’re so gross,” Clark interrupted his thoughts and he tore his gaze away from Sam as the bigger guy walked up. He ignored the slight panic he felt course through him at the mere thought that Clark could read his intentions on his face.

 

“What?”

 

“You’re soaked buddy. I feel bad for your bunkmates,” Clark grinned and Grizz shoved him lightly. 

 

“We can’t all sit in an air conditioned lodge and talk about our feelings,” Grizz reached out to attempt to give Clark a hug while the boy dodged him easily.

 

The two chatted as they got in line for food and Grizz had to admit he was pretty gross. He was in desperate need of a shower. 

 

“How are the horsies?” Luke asked as Grizz sat down across from him.

 

“They’re good. Some of them are being assholes but that’s to be expected,” Grizz shrugged with a little smile. He knew that his friends didn’t really get what it took to be the horse lead but he didn’t care. He was protective over his domain and didn’t mind that they didn’t visit. 

 

He fell into an easy conversation, listening to the gossip that was already happening around the camp. Some tension between exes, some couples already getting together. Mostly Grizz wasn’t that interested in. 

 

“Do you think Sam and Becca are a thing?” Clark asked and Grizz was going to ignore the way his entire body froze.

 

“Nah, I think they’re just friends,” Luke said around his bite of food. “Why, you want to hit that?” 

 

Clark shrugged. “Gwen’s still ignoring me.”

 

Grizz stayed quiet.

 

“Are you trying to get with Gwen?” Clark asked Grizz point blank and he froze again, nearly choking on his food.

 

“No man. First off I wouldn’t do that to you and second off Gwen and I are just friends. Plus I’m like her boss. That would be weird,” He explained and Clark gave him a long look. Grizz wondered if Clark knew about his sexuality. It wasn’t like he had told anyone and none of the other counselors went to Yale.

 

“Aight. But honestly if you were into her I would be okay with. You’re one of the few that are cool enough for her.” Clark conceded and Grizz ignored the sigh of relief.

 

He ignored the way he looked over his shoulder at where Sam was sitting. 

 

“Sam’s pretty cool though don’t you think?” Grizz asked before he even realized he was speaking as he turned around once more.

 

“Yeah, he’s super chill. Pretty funny too,” Luke replied, looking down at the roll in his hand while he chewed. 

 

Grizz chewed thoughtfully but didn’t respond other than a nod in agreement.

 

“Dude I’m pumped for the start of summer bonfire tomorrow,” Clark changed the subject and Grizz had almost forgotten the infamous summer kickoff. After a week of preparing, all of the counselors got together for a bonfire before the kids came. Usually at least one person got blacked out and fell into the lake and more than a few people hooked up.

 

“It’ll be something alright,” Grizz muttered and he forced himself to not look at Sam once again, because for the first time since he had joined as a counselor, he had someone he was actually interested in.

 

Never a good thing.

 

Especially when Grizz was ignoring everything about how he felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohhhhhhhhh man our boy's got it bad. But it's fine right? Nothing to see here, move along. 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts and maybe something you would like to see happen at the camp over the course of the summer!! As always comments are very much appreciated :D


	3. by the light of the fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam gets his hopes up and wonders if the bonfire is going to be his night.

“I don’t think Grizz likes me,” Sam said as he sat on a chair in the arts and crafts cabin. Becca was puttering around, attempting to organize everything.

 

“What makes you say that?” She signed absentmindedly.

 

“Because he seems really stand-offish when I’m around. Like I see him with Gwen and he’s always laughing and relaxed but as soon as I join in he gets all stiff and awkward.” 

 

Becca looked up from her long list of to dos and gave him a smirk. “Maybe he thinks you’re cute.”

 

He scoffed at her comment. Other than Becca, no one at the camp knew that he was gay. It wasn’t something he cared to share with people he didn’t really know yet and it wasn’t like it was his defining characteristic. “If Grizz is gay then I’m Spiderman.” 

 

“Sam,” Becca gave him an exasperated look. “He’s literally a soft horse boy. Don’t count him out so soon.” 

 

She had a point. Grizz had a way with the horses that he hadn’t ever seen before. Not that he spent all his time in the stables, but it was endearing to watch him with the giant animals. Now that he thought about it, he had caught Grizz staring at him quite a few times over the past few days that they had been working together. He just assumed it was Grizz’s way of trying to use mind control to get him away from the stables but thinking about it in that context it made a lot of sense.

 

“Are you going to help me or not?” Becca asked and Sam pondered for a moment.

 

“What if I said not?” 

 

“I might have to kill you in your sleep.”

 

“You’d have witnesses.”

 

“I can live with that.” 

 

“Well in that case I’d better help.”

 

Becca stood up straight with a sweet smile. “Good choice.” 

 

She put him to work sorting supplies into the designated boxes. He was astounded at the amount of materials that were just shoved haphazardly into whatever box was most convenient. He looked up when Becca bumped the table to get his attention.

 

“Are you looking forward to the bonfire tonight?” She signed.

 

“I guess? I don’t really know what to expect.”

 

“Lots of drunk people and probably a lot of hookups,” Becca grinned and Sam rolled his eyes.

 

“Like I have anyone here to do the second one.”

 

“All I’m saying is Grizz keeps looking at you when you’re not looking.” Becca shrugged her shoulders and held her hands up.

 

“That doesn’t mean anything Becca. I don’t want to assume someone is gay or bi or whatever. People get weird about that,” He pursed his lips and Becca continued to give him a knowing look and he rolled his eyes, going back to sorting but his mind was racing. Sure he could _say_ that he didn’t want to assume someone’s sexuality but it was another thing entirely not to think thoughts and ideas about how someone felt. It was hard not to feel a little thrill in his chest every time he saw Grizz and that stupidly cute ponytail and his sleeves rolled up to show off those strong looking biceps and his eyebrows furrowing together as he worked on mucking stalls and the way he--

 

“You are so into him,” Becca smirked and he realized that he had been staring off into space. 

 

Sam narrowed his eyes and stood. “I’m gonna go set up targets.” 

 

Becca didn’t try to stop him but instead got out of his way with her same knowing smile. “Tell Grizz I say hi.” 

 

He grumbled under his breath as he walked down towards the archery fields. They had mowed it yesterday and he was letting it dry out a bit after a morning rainshower. He was surprised to see Grizz already out working on moving targets.

 

Sam got closer and saw that Grizz had his headphones in as usual and he gave a wave of greeting. Grizz gave him a nod of greeting and paused as Sam got closer.

 

“What are you doing?” Sam asked, shading his eyes against the sun, wishing he had brought his sunglasses. 

 

“Figured you were going to do this today and I needed to get them out of the closet,” Grizz shrugged.

 

Sam gave him a little smile and a cock of his head. “You didn’t have to. I was about to come do it.” 

 

“Yeah well I’m already doing it,” Grizz’s eyes were hidden behind his own sunglasses and Sam wasn’t mad at the way the sun hit his skin that was quickly getting bronzed from all the time spent outdoors. He himself had started to get more and more freckles. 

 

“Well...thanks I guess. Though they definitely need to be a bit closer,” Sam looked at the distance away from the covered awning that marked the spot where the kids would line up to shoot. The way Grizz had it set up now was how he would train and he was an expert. 

 

“Oh. Okay.” Grizz stated simply and awkwardly attempted to grip the large targets to move closer. Sam quickly reached down to help and the two of them brought it closer until Sam dropped it to mark where the rest of them should line up. They worked together for the rest, not saying much though Sam didn’t miss the way Grizz’s eyes seemed to stare at him behind the sunglasses but it could have just been the angle. 

 

Yeah it was just the angle. 

 

When they were done, Sam thanked Grizz who just gave a little nod and headed back towards the stables. Sam didn’t miss the way his body turned more loose as soon as Sam was out of his eye line. 

 

Sam sighed and went to the small shed that had been empty but he had moved most of the archery supplies inside, including his own bow. He grabbed a few arrows, though not his favorite kind, but they would do. He stood under the awning, grateful for the shade and took his normal stance. Sometimes he found himself standing in the archer stance without even realizing it because it had become more comfortable than a normal stance. 

 

He notched an arrow against his recurve bow, took a breath in as he pulled back the string, and exhaled as he let it fly. The string snapped against his arm with a dull ache and he watched as the arrow flew only a little off course and stuck just outside the bullseye. The arrows were much too light for his taste.

 

Sam grabbed another and another until he got used to the weight and then he was out. He swung his bow down and up under his arm, and walked forward to grab the arrows from the target. It was his relaxation, a way to get this bonfire thing out of his head.

 

He grabbed the arrows and walked back before stopping in his tracks. Grizz was standing under the awning. “You gotta stop making me jump like that.” He said as he got closer.

 

“Well I can’t exactly give you a warning shout now can I?” Grizz smirked and Sam let out a huff of a laugh. “I was watching you for a bit. I thought you were supposed to be an expert.”

 

“These arrows are a lot lighter than what I’m used to. I first started out using these because they’re for kids. Safety you know,” Sam explained and Grizz nodded, shoving his hands into his pockets and rocking back on his feet. “You need something?” 

 

Grizz opened his mouth and closed it before pausing for a moment.

 

“Do you not like me?” Sam interrupted Grizz’s attempt at speech and Grizz was taken aback. 

 

“Wha?”

 

“Yeah because you always seem….I dunno...different around me compared to Gwen. Like I know you and I haven’t known each other for long and I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but I just needed to ask,” Sam rambled for a moment and Grizz watched as he signed. “Is it the signing thing? Because I can’t really help it man.”

 

“No, no, it’s not that at all. Fuck. I just...I’m just awkward around new people sometimes. That’s just how I am. I’ve known everyone else here for at least a summer so I’m used to them,” Grizz struggled to get the words out and Sam watched his mouth closely. “And the signing thing is cool. I feel like I’m learning something by just being around you.” Grizz raked his hand through his hair. 

 

Sam watched him for a moment before nodding and leaned down to drop the arrows in the quiver on the ground. “It’s cool. I get it. I’m the new kid. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t hate me or something considering we bunk together.” 

 

“The farthest thing from hate,” Grizz gave a little laugh and Sam liked the way his nose crinkled when he genuinely laughed. “I was gonna ask if you wanted to head back to the cabin to get ready for the bonfire.”

 

“We have to get ready for that?” Sam furrowed his brow. “I thought we just showed up dressed how we were.”

 

“I know all the girls get dressed nicely. I guess with the boys it’s kinda up to them. I’m not sure about you but I need a shower at the very least.” 

 

A smirk curled onto Sam’s face. “Are you asking me to join you in the shower?”

 

Grizz’s cheeks turned a dark pink. “What? No, no, I was definitely not asking that.” He sputtered out and Sam laughed loudly.

 

“I’m just kidding man. Yeah let’s go.” Sam grinned and grabbed his bow and quiver, putting them in the shed and locking it before the two of them walked back to the cabin. 

 

He thanked everything that the cabin had two showers and that none of the other boys were there. Judging from the sounds that came farther down the trial they were one of the last ones to get ready.

 

Sam wrapped his towel around his waist and stepped out of the steam and into the main part of the cabin. Grizz was already pulling on khaki shorts. Sam appreciated his toned torso and pressed his lips together to keep himself from saying anything. He maneuvered around Grizz to get to his suitcase and pulled out olive shorts and a grey shirt. 

 

“This good enough?” He asked, holding out his choices and he didn’t miss the way Grizz’s gaze raked down his body before landing on Sam’s face. Grizz gave a curt nod, turning away. Becca’s words came swimming back to him and he felt a blush creep across his cheeks and neck. He turned away from Grizz, putting on his underwear under his towel before tossing it up on his bed and slipping into the rest of his outfit. He grabbed his towel again, running it against his hair to get it as dry as possible.

 

Soon the two of them were ready to head down to the bonfire which was already glowing against the dying sun. The fire illuminated the faces in the crowd and he spotted Becca, sitting very close to Kelly, their heads close together. 

 

“Find me later okay?” Grizz knocked against his arm to get his attention and Sam nodded, moving towards Becca.

 

She greeted him and he sat on the log next to her. She gave him a knowing look. He rolled his eyes and sighed.

 

“Okay fine, I can see where you were coming from.” 

 

She grinned and gripped his hand, giving it a squeeze before they all turned their attention to Cassandra and Gordie at the front of the semi-circle.

 

“Thank you guys for an awesome work week!” Cassandra said and Sam looked at Becca as she signed along. “We’ve gotten everything ready for the new campers to arrive in two days so tomorrow will be a free day for everyone.”

 

The crowd whooped at that. Sam found Grizz’s face in the crowd. He was sitting with Luke and two other boys he didn’t really know but had seen before. He quickly glanced away when Grizz’s eyes landed on him but he couldn’t stop the small smile to himself. 

 

“As a reminder, please try to stay away from the lake tonight. We really don’t want a rendition of last summer,” Gordie warned and everyone snickered. Sam could only assume someone had gotten super wasted and had fallen in or something along those lines. “Other than that, enjoy yourselves.”

 

The crowd rose and made a rush towards the bar that was haphazardly set up. Becca pulled something out of her bag and Sam grinned as he saw the bottle of wine. 

 

“It’s like you’re reading my mind right now.” He said gratefully as she brought out cups as well, handing one to him and another to Kelly. Sam sipped at the wine and relished the way it warmed him even more than the bonfire. He attempted to keep up with Becca and Kelly’s conversation but they were hard to read in the firelight so instead he leaned back and watched the people around him. They were dancing to music that he couldn’t hear but it was still beautiful in a purely primal way. 

 

He found himself searching the crowd again and again for Grizz, keeping track of him throughout the night. As he drank more of Becca’s wine (she had brought two bottles of course) his vision was getting hazier and hazier and his filter was breaking down with each sip. 

 

He stood up, wobbling slightly and Becca looked up at him, concern on her face. “I’m gonna go find Grizz.” He explained and she gave him a bright smile.

 

“Go get him tiger,” She winked and he gave a nod of conviction and began to walk towards the woods where he had seen Grizz last.

 

He would consider calling out to him but it wouldn’t make much of a difference when he couldn’t hear if he was calling back. He squinted against the darkness and the buzz of alcohol. It was harder to see the farther he got away from the fire though the moon was full.

 

Finally he found Grizz up against a tree, looking out across the lake. He couldn’t help the giant smile that crossed his face and he walked toward him only to stop in his tracks. A girl was walking up as well and he frowned, realizing it was Gwen. He watched the two of them talk for a moment, Gwen getting closer and closer until she was practically pressed up against Grizz.

 

And then she closed the distance and she was kissing him.

 

Sam gritted his teeth and felt himself crush his cup without realization. He turned on his heel and walked back towards the bonfire. 

 

He was so _stupid_. Of _course_ Grizz was with Gwen. They spent every single day together. It made sense. 

 

Sam cursed the ideas that Becca had put into his head. Grizz wasn’t gay. He was very much straight and was with Gwen. 

 

He got it. 

 

He understood.

 

He would keep his head down and continue to help Grizz but keep it platonic. He didn’t need Grizz knowing that he was gay and had a crush. Crushes were stupid and he was entirely too old to be having such things, especially by projecting his longing on others.

 

He didn’t need to have a summer romance.

 

He was there to teach kids archery and that’s what he would do.

 

But as he stomped back to his cabin, not bothering to say goodnight to Becca he had to admit that he was slightly (more than slightly) disappointed that he continued to be the only gay one in a sea of men.

 

It seemed this would not be his summer after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun DUUUUUUN to be continued. what do you think Grizz will do because you know homeboy heard Sam just demolish his solo cup because that shit is loud as fuck. Let me know your thouuuuuughts :D
> 
> also p.s. I know next to nothing about archery other than googling so like if you know more feel free to hmu


	4. missed connections

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grizz feels awful and awkward and wants things to go back to normal

For the longest time, West Ham Summer Camp had been Grizz’s home where he felt most safe. Sure it was only around during the summer, but he had made it his own. The counselors that were working with him were the same ones he went to camp with when he was younger. They had shaped him and molded him. When home life got to be too much, he could always count on getting letters or emails or texts from them. 

 

A lot of them didn’t know about the fact that he was gay. He assumed they thought he was just not interested in having a summer fling when the reality was that he didn’t have anyone worthy enough to have a crush on.

 

Sure when he was a camper there were schoolyard crushes on his cabin leaders or other campers but he wasn’t old enough to know or act on them. He just thought someone was cute. 

 

It wasn’t until he was older that he realized those crushes marked the course of his life.

 

He thought this year he would be okay coming back home. 

 

None of the other counselors were interesting to him in _that_ way. He knew too much about their past to even get anywhere close to a crush.

 

But then fucking Sam had to show up and Grizz wasn’t really sure what to do.

 

He didn’t even know if the guy was into men but everytime Grizz was around him he felt like he was going to burst because he _needed_ to know. 

 

But of course he wasn’t just going to straight up ask. It was taboo to a point that he was nervous just thinking about it. And then Sam asked if he hated him and it was too much. 

 

Being in the dark was the worst.

 

Perhaps that was why he went off by himself during the bonfire. 

 

He had been watching Sam with Becca and Kelly though as the night went on, Sam looked like he was either really feeling the alcohol or was too tired to try and keep up with the conversation. Grizz had a feeling it was a bit of both. He was feeling the same way.

 

Grizz loved his friends, he really did, but sometimes they could be exhausting. He had to watch Clark attempt to slap the wine bag and nearly puke all over himself. Luke was getting way too touchy with Helena and it made him feel awkward. Jason of course was off with Ericka trying to get into her pants after shotgunning three beers in a row. 

 

The stimulation was too much so he made his way down closer to the lake despite Gordie’s warning to stay away from it. He sipped the mixed drink that Gwen had made him and let the sweetness dance over his tongue as he looked out across the water. 

 

There was a time where he would have forced himself to stay up there with the rest of the group and participate but as he got older and knew himself better, he knew that he could remove himself from the situation if he needed to and not feel bad. This was definitely one of those times. 

 

He turned at the sound of footsteps approaching and smirked as he saw Gwen trip and stumble over branches.

 

“Grizz!” She called out and he straightened against the trunk of the tree.

 

“Don’t twist an ankle, I still need you till the campers come.” He called out and she gave him the finger as she looked down, attempting to see where she was going. 

 

She made it down to him and brushed her hair out of the way. “Figured I’d find you contemplating life all by yourself.” She huffed as she took a long sip of her drink. “God Clark is being so annoying tonight.”

 

Grizz gave her a “duh” look and hummed, taking a sip from his own drink. He tracked her as she got closer to him. They had been friends since they were kids and he knew all of her dirty laundry after the bonfires over the years. “Clark is always annoying.” 

 

Gwen rolled her eyes and pursed her lips but it quickly turned into a little smile. “I’m so glad we’re working together this year Grizz. You’re much better than the rest of the boys. At least I can count on you to not do dumb shit.” 

 

She was getting uncomfortably close. Closer than a friendship should be. He shifted awkwardly against the tree trunk almost in an attempt to get away. He knew she was drunk and he was feeling the buzz but he definitely wasn’t on her level. 

 

“Yep, that’s me. No dumb shit Grizz,” He laughed awkwardly, attempted to skirt his way around the trunk.

 

Gwen stepped closer and he saw the moonlight reflected in her eyes. “That’s why I like you.” She mused and before he could let out a response she closed the distance between the two of them and he felt her mouth on his. 

 

It was like kissing a sister.

 

He felt nothing.

 

He was about to push her off when he jumped at the sound of something that sounded like a crack of a gun and he startled away, looking up towards the sound and his heart constricted in his chest at the sight of Sam stomping away.

 

Sam saw.

 

Oh god. 

 

He probably thought he and Gwen were together.

 

Fucking shit.

 

“What the hell wus that?” Gwen slurred and he turned back toward her.

 

“Listen, Gwen. You’re drunk,” Grizz took her by the shoulder and she frowned at him.

 

“Yeah, so?”

 

“Yeah so? You don’t like me. Trust me.”

 

Gwen frowned and stepped away from him, nearly falling down the slight incline towards the water. “You don’t like me?”

 

Grizz sighed and paused. “I’m not....” He started and then paused again. Was he about to do this? “I’m not uh...playing for your team?” He said, wincing as his voice went up at the end.

 

Gwen looked at him in confusion for a beat before her eyes widened. “Wait….” She started and then took another step back. “You mean…?”

 

Grizz nodded and winced as he saw Gwen’s wheels turn in her brain. “Yeah,” He said simply and bit his lip, waiting to see her reaction. 

 

“Um...okay wow I feel dumb,” She said turning slightly away from him.

 

He reached out to grab her arm. “You won’t like...tell anyone will you? I don’t know if I want everyone to know.”

 

She glanced down to where Grizz was holding her and then back up at him. “Um...yeah no I won’t tell. I just...I gotta go okay?”

 

He let her go and closed his eyes shut, gritting his teeth. Could this night have gone any worse? It was only the start of summer and already he had alienated the two people that he would be working closest with. 

 

He gulped down the rest of his drink and made his way up the hill back towards his cabin. Sam was long gone and he didn’t feel like making conversation with anyone. He just wanted to go to sleep. 

 

Sam was already in bed and turned toward the wall when he came in. He wanted to reach out and explain but looking at Sam’s back felt like there were miles and miles between them and he didn’t have the nerve to cross them.

 

He sighed and slipped out of his clothes save for his boxers and got under his covers and passed out.

 

When he woke Sam was already gone though Luke, Will, and Gordie were fast asleep. He slipped out of bed and got dressed before heading towards the stables. 

 

He went through his normal routine, putting the horses out into the pastures and worked on mucking the stalls. Everyone else may have the day off but he never would when he was in charge of animals. He let his music blast into his ears, attempting to drown out the fact that he kept replaying last night in his head. He was glad that he didn’t see Sam’s face but the body language alone made him cringe at the memory.

 

Grizz wasn’t sure what to do. Should he tell Sam that he wasn’t with Gwen? Should he say that he was gay and would never be with Gwen? He didn’t know Sam hardly at all other than the time they spent together the last few days getting the camp ready. Was Sam trustworthy enough to carry that secret? 

 

Did he want Sam to carry that secret?

 

He growled angrily at the shovel that kept getting caught against the stones in the stall he was currently in that he didn’t hear anyone come up behind him. 

 

He nearly jumped out his skin when he felt a tap on his shoulder and whirled around. Gwen jumped back away from the shovel and he froze. “Oh, uh...hi.” He saw awkwardly, putting down the shovel and pulling out an earbud. “I didn’t think you would be in today.”

 

“I’m here. What do you want me to do?” Gwen said with a curt tone and Grizz gritted his teeth, wanting things to go back to where they were before last night.

 

“Um you can refill the water trough. I’m almost done with the stalls and I can do the feed afterward.” Gwen gave a nod and Grizz watched her go before wincing. “Hey Gwen?” He called out with a slight grimace as she turned. “Uh...are we okay?”

 

She paused and looked at him for a moment before she practically collapsed into herself. “Yeah we’re good. I’m sorry Grizz I...I didn’t mean to make it weird. I just thought that you...well that you liked me and I always thought you were a great guy.” She shrugged, hugging herself with on arm. 

 

Grizz walked toward her. “No, it’s okay Gwen I get it. And believe me if I weren’t gay you would be the first one I’d go for.”

 

She gave him a soft half-smile. “Grizz you’re such an idiot. I’m gonna go fill the trough now okay?”

 

He gave her a laugh and nodded, putting his earbud back in, a weight lifted off of him though it sunk down again when he thought of Sam. He really needed to find Sam.

 

Once he was done with the chores it was nearly lunch time. He slicked his hair back into a ponytail on the top of his head and followed Gwen towards the main lodge. Everyone was already there getting food and he found himself looking for Sam without even realizing he was doing so. He felt himself freeze again when he caught glimpse of Sam sitting with his usual group at Becca’s table. Sam was talking with Kelly it seemed and didn’t even notice him. He skirted on the outside of the line and quickly grabbed food. 

 

He didn’t really listen to the conversation at his normal table, mostly just retelling the events from last night that he missed. He was mostly staring at the back of Sam’s head, wondering what to even say to him.

 

Grizz didn’t get the chance though because as soon as Sam was done, he was up and out of the door before Grizz could even attempt to get up. He rose anyways and was nearly ambushed by Becca before he could get anywhere.

 

“You need to talk to him because you did something last night and he won’t say what.” Becca accused and Grizz took a step back from the petite girl who was practically spitting fire at him.

 

“What?”

 

“You heard me. Go talk to Sam because I don’t want this to be a bad experience for him.” 

 

Grizz looked above her and saw Sam trudging back towards where the archery field and stables were. He looked back down and her hands were now on her hips and he nodded, moving around her towards the outside.

 

He found Sam shooting arrow after arrow into the targets they had set up together yesterday and he almost wanted to stop and watch but then Sam caught sight of him and lowered his bow, body rigid as Grizz approached.

 

“Hi,” He said awkwardly, hands in his pockets.

 

“Hey,” Sam said shortly and turned to face the target once more as he notched another arrow. Grizz gritted his teeth and stepped in front of him and Sam hesitated, lowering his bow once again. “You know you never step in front of someone with a notched arrow right?”

 

“Um yeah, I figured but you wouldn’t be able to see me talk if I didn’t so…” He trailed off and Sam gave him an annoyed expression. 

 

“Well go on then. Talk.”

 

“So...last night I uh...I saw you walk away after Gwen um...kissed me.” He said, fumbling a bit over his words.

 

Sam gave him a neutral expression and nodded. “Yeah so? I get it. You’re with Gwen. It’s fine.” 

 

“But I’m not actually with her. She just came up and kissed me and I think it was mostly the alcohol and the fact that Clark is being weird and dumb and she needed to kiss someone.” Grizz explained and Sam followed along before nodding slowly.

 

“I don’t know why you think I care who you’re with.” Sam said after a pause and Grizz felt the words like a blow. Could Sam not see how he looked at him without even realizing he was doing it?”

 

“Oh right, of course. I just wanted to set the record straight. In case you were like into Gwen or something.” Grizz backpedaled and rocked back on his heels slightly before looking up towards the stables and a thought came into his head. “Hey um...you busy right now?”

 

Sam gestured to the bow and the targets. 

 

“I only ask because I need to go check out the trails and was wondering if you wanted to ride with me.” 

 

Sam straightened and hesitated. “I don’t really know how to ride that well.”

 

“It’s okay, I can teach you. These horses know the trails really well and they’re trained for kids who have never ridden before. Well...except for Rocky but he’s the horse I ride so you should be fine.” Grizz perked up.

 

Sam gave him a little half smile and shook his head, pointing to him with the tip of his bow. “If I fall off it’s your fault.” 

 

Grizz grinned and a little bit of the heaviness lifted. Perhaps it would be okay after all.

 

Especially if Sam kept smiling at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's back, back again?? What's up? After a week of spotty wifi ya girl has a new chapter up. A bit of a filler ngl but you got horseback riding in the next one and in this one you got to learn more about Grizz so like who's the real winner here? 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts!!! And as always hmu on tumblr @ tedddylupin if you're feeling frisky


	5. heated glances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam lets Grizz take him on a trail ride.

Sam felt stiff.

 

He tried to help Grizz as the guy was tacking both horses on his own, but he didn’t really know what to do. The most he had done with horses was put on leads and that was the extent of his knowledge. Putting in a bit or a saddle on was way different, though he couldn’t help but appreciate the way Grizz’s muscles flexed when he carried the saddles.

 

No, he had to stop thinking like that.

 

Sure Grizz had told him that he and Gwen weren’t together but they had still kissed and Sam had seen and now things were awkward between them. He thought he had finally broken through some of Grizz’s defenses since meeting him, but it seemed it was only a false walls before crashing into concrete. 

 

Perhaps he had put up some of his own.

 

He would be lying though if he said his heart wasn’t pounding that much harder when Grizz asked him to go alone on a trail ride with him.

 

His thoughts were interrupted when Grizz brushed back his hair once both horses were saddled and came closer. 

 

“Okay so what you’re going to do is place your left foot in the stirrup and hold onto the saddle horn. Then you push off the left foot and swing your other leg up and over.” Grizz explained with hand motions that were somewhat like ASL but Sam was more interested in Grizz’s mouth movements. 

 

“Am I going to fall?” He asked and Grizz shook his head.

 

“I’ll be right here to catch you if you come close to falling but I doubt you will.” 

 

Sam nodded nervously and stepped forward. Grizz had chosen Misty, the mare he had helped him before and she looked at him with her big brown eyes before leaning her neck forward to pick grass near the saddle post. He placed one hand on the saddle horn that Grizz showed him and the other on the actual saddle before putting his foot into the stirrup.

 

He looked at Grizz once more who gave him an encouraging nod and he reflexively pushed up and over in one fluid motion. He felt Grizz’s hand on the small of his back as Grizz held onto Misty’s reins as she took a step forward to settle her weight.

 

Sam liked the heat of it, but then it was gone as quick as it came.

 

“Okay now hold the reins like an ice cream cone. If you want to go to the right, pull them to the right and same with the left. If you want to back up, pull the reins tighter. If you want to go forward kick her gently and she’s quick to respond. Try not to let her graze along the way if you can and just pull up on the reins if she starts to try to eat.” Grizz explained, holding the reins out to Sam who took them easily.

 

Grizz made sure he had them before walking over to his horse and Sam watched in slight awe as Grizz was much more graceful with his movements, turning Rocky around with one hand, sunglasses glinting in the light.

 

“Ready?”

 

Sam nodded and Grizz gave him a smile before turning Rocky around again towards the start of the trail.

 

Sam nudged Misty with his feet and the mare started to walk after the other horse. 

 

He felt tall as they began their trail ride. He turned his head as the scenery passed him by. He never realized just how pretty the woods could be. His eyes stayed trained on Grizz for the most part though and he wished he could be alongside him though he wasn’t sure if this was like driving a car to where he needed his eyes on the road at all times.

 

Misty didn’t stop to eat too often and he was glad for that. He didn’t want to hold up Grizz. He watched Grizz go off a little ways a few times, making sure that the trail up ahead was okay for Sam. So far it looked like the forest hadn’t become too overgrown since last summer.

 

Sam was starting to understand why people were so into horses. It was peaceful riding Misty though his legs were starting to ache and he was about to say something about stopping to get off when Grizz paused and Sam stopped Misty next to him.

 

“I’m gonna take you off trail okay?” Grizz explained when Sam came up next to him and Sam frowned. “It’s nothing bad, we just don’t take the kids to this place often so it’s not as well kept.” 

 

“And here I was thinking I was going to get out of the woods alive,” Sam teased and Grizz snorted and shook his head. “Lead the way, serial killer.” Sam gestured and Grizz smirked at him before turning Rocky towards a more overgrown path but a path nonetheless.

 

Sam let Misty follow and he had to start moving tree limbs and branches out of the way as he went, careful not to let them whack him after Grizz moved through. Now this was a little annoying and he was starting to not like the trail ride as much when the trees opened up and Sam let out a little gasp of surprise when Grizz moved out of the way to reveal a little creek that turned into a waterfall which opened up to a nice sized lagoon.

 

He turned towards Grizz who twisted around in his saddle and grinned at him. “Pretty cool right?”

 

“Very,” he replied and pulled on the reins to get Misty to stop. Grizz hopped off Rocky easily, tying his reins to a nearby tree before moving over to Sam to help him get down. “Uh….” Sam started, suddenly nervous to get off this giant animal.

 

Grizz reached out to steady Misty before reaching out with his other hand for Sam to take. “We’re just going to do the opposite of what you did to get on. Take your right foot out of the stirrup and push up on your left to swing yourself over and then touch down.” Grizz gave instructions and Sam nodded but he was still nervous. 

 

He took his foot out of the stirrup like Grizz explained and then pushed up and over, but he stumbled back awkwardly as his foot still in the stirrup got caught. He felt himself fall into Grizz’s tall and bulky frame before coming to a stand still, still leaning up against him. He quickly got his foot unstuck and he was back on solid ground, reluctantly moving away from Grizz who had wrapped an arm around him to steady him.

 

“You okay?” Grizz asked when he turned around and he nodded quickly, feeling his cheeks get hot. Grizz gave him a long look before nodding as well and then moved to grab Misty’s reins and tie her nearby Rocky.

 

“This place is really cool. You really don’t take the kids here?” Sam asked, looking out at the lagoon before turning towards Grizz.

 

“I take the older groups, but definitely not the younger ones. Too much of a safety hazard,” Grizz explained and Sam nodded but then frowned.

 

“Wait, _you_ take them?”

 

“Well...yeah. That’s what expedition leader entails. Most of the groups go on an expedition at the end of their stay and I lead them. The cabin leaders come along as well for an extra set of eyes but I teach them about wildlife and survival.” Grizz shrugged.

 

“Do I get to go?” Sam asked, cocking his head slightly and Grizz stared at him for a moment.

 

“Why do you want to go?”

 

“Why not? I mean I’m not the biggest expert at camping but I’ve dabbled in it and I could be like your assistant or something,” Sam gave him a shy smile. He was already starting to forget about last night. It seemed that Grizz had that effect on him. 

 

“Um, I’ll have to think about it. Usually it’s Gordie or one of the other activity leaders that come but I don’t see why you can’t,” Grizz smiled a nervous smile and Sam found it endearing. A complete 180 from the first furious look he had gotten when they had met.

 

“Let me worm my way into their hearts,” Sam grinned and Grizz appeared to laugh. “What? I’m adorable. Everyone loves me right?” He continued and Grizz laughed again and nodded.

 

“You don’t have to convince me.” 

 

The look that Grizz gave Sam made his heart beat a little harder and he bit his lip subconsciously. It was a look that made butterflies start in his stomach and he wanted desperately to know if Grizz was feeling the same. 

 

“Do you want to swim?” Grizz asked, shattering the look and Sam blinked then frowned.

 

“I didn’t wear a swim suit though.” 

 

“You wore underwear right?”

 

Sam gave him a slow, almost dangerous smile that he probably shouldn’t have made. “Yeah…”

 

Grizz straightened. “Then there you go. That’s all you need.” 

 

Sam was silent for a moment before shrugging and began to slip out of his shoes and socks followed quickly by his shirt and shorts. Grizz wasn’t far behind. 

 

He had seen the other boy in just boxers before in the cabin but there was something different about the way the sunlight hit his skin that made Sam frozen for a moment as incredibly impure thoughts filtered through his mind. He couldn’t help the way his eyes traveled up and down the built body that stood before him and he swallowed. “Uh...lead the way I guess?” 

 

This was okay right? Just two guys alone in a lagoon next to a waterfall. This wasn’t something out of a romantic comedy right? 

 

Sam desperately wished it was but as he followed Grizz toward the water, eyes raking up and down his toned back and incredible ass, he couldn’t help but think about the fact that he was crushing hard and he wasn’t even sure if Grizz would reciprocate those feelings. 

 

Man he was in deep.

 

Already the kiss and the anger from last night was gone. He had felt a sense of relief when Grizz had told him that he and Gwen weren’t together but he had tried hard not to let it show on his face. He tried hard not to let his feelings get the best of him. 

 

He hissed when the water lapped over his toes. “It’s freezing.” He gritted out and Grizz smirked.

 

“Mountain spring fed. It’s nicer in the sunlight.” Grizz explained and held out a hand for Sam to take. There was a steep drop off after a few feet into the water and he let himself slip his hand into Grizz’s enjoying the way the man’s fingers seemed to fit perfectly against his own. He stumbled slightly as he stepped down and nearly crashed into Grizz yet again. 

 

“I swear I’m not normally this clumsy.” He huffed out a laugh and Grizz gave him a half smile, one corner of his mouth curling up.

 

“Guess I just have that effect on you.” Grizz winked but then his eyes widened after he realized what he said. “Uh…” He started, suddenly awkward and Sam couldn’t help but laugh at the panic in his eyes.

 

“I guess you could say I’m _falling_ for you.” He winked back and Grizz’s face flickered through what looked like 10 emotions at once. Sam let go of Grizz’s hand as he sunk down lower in the water and swam towards the middle of the lagoon. He grimaced to himself when he was no longer in view of Grizz. That was so fucking stupid! What on earth possessed him to say that? 

 

He flipped onto his back, legs moving under him so he could turn to face Grizz again who had started to follow him into the middle. He had to admit the water did feel great in the sun. He hadn’t expected it to be so hot thought he knew that it could feel worse. For the moment he would relish the feeling of the cool water. 

 

They were silent for a moment, both enjoying the feel of the water against their skin, though in Sam’s case at least, he was trying to figure out what to even talk about. He was never the one to be quiet very often, usually he was off rambling about something stupid, but it appeared the Grizz made him nervous. 

 

He could feel the sexual tension despite him wanting to ignore it. 

 

He didn’t miss Grizz’s heated glances or the way that the other boy hung around him. 

 

But he had been burned before thinking that another boy liked him when in fact he didn’t. He didn’t want to break the friendship the two of them had tentatively created just because his gay ass was trying to see things there that weren’t. 

 

“Do I ever get to know why you’re called Grizz?” Sam asked, finally breaking the peaceful silence. Grizz looked up from where he was staring down at the water and gave him a sheepish smile.

 

“I got it when I first joined Boy Scouts. We all got to choose an animal nickname, don’t ask me why, my troop leader was kinda kooky like that. I chose a grizzly bear because I think bears are cool and the nickname just kinda stuck. Plus what little kid wants to be known as Gareth?” Grizz explained and attempted to finger spell his real name so Sam could understand. 

 

Sam felt a jolt of warmth at the sight of the finger spelling. “Gareth is your real name?” He wasn’t going to mention the fact that apparently Grizz knew the ASL alphabet. He wasn’t ready to discuss that.

 

“Yeah, pretty dumb huh? It’s a family name though. Named after my mom’s dad.”

 

Sam swam closer so that he could touch the bottom without treading water. He still was barely touching though so Grizz was towering over him. “That’s kinda cool though. I think my parents just liked the name Sam.” 

 

“I like it too. Is it short for anything or is it just Sam?”

 

“Nope, just Sam.” He said as he attempted to concentrate on balancing on the bottom.

 

“You need some help?” Grizz asked, an amused expression on his face.

 

“Shut up, I got it.”

 

“Okay pipsqueak.” Grizz grinned and Sam narrowed his eyes. He found it rather amusing himself but Grizz didn’t need to know that. 

 

Sam lowered himself in the water, bracing against the bottom. Grizz watched him curiously but then Sam launched himself out of the water and tackled Grizz. 

 

“Oh shit-” Grizz’s eyes widened as Sam came hurtling towards him and they both fell back into the water.

 

Sam was clinging to Grizz like a koala as the boy righted himself and they both started laughing, sputtering out water in the process. 

 

“Who’s the pipsqueak now?” Sam taunted and Grizz laughed again but this time Sam could hear the rumbling against his chest. It sent a thrill through him.

 

“You. You’re still the pipsqueak.” Grizz grinned.

 

Now that they calmed down for a second, Sam realized just how close he was to Grizz’s face and the fact that his arms and legs were wrapped around the boy. He stared down at Grizz’s mouth. They were inches apart and his heart started beating faster. He looked back up into Grizz’s eyes and there was something electric in them.

 

Sam swallowed and slowly released his grip on Grizz’s body and stepped down into the water, letting his knees come up so his head was floating just above the surface. 

 

“Sam?” Grizz asked, lowering himself as well though it was much more awkward for him due to the height difference.

 

“Yeah?” Sam asked, tracking Grizz as he came down to his level.

 

Grizz was silent and Sam could see the conflict in his expression, like Grizz was about to burst trying to say something but just couldn’t seem to get it out. He too felt like something was choking him but he’d rather choke than break something.

 

Sam waited for something from Grizz but it seemed nothing would come so he pushed off the bottom and let himself float, closing his eyes and letting himself just… _feel_.

 

He wasn’t sure how long Grizz let him float but he startled when he felt a poke. He flopped over, splashing Grizz who jerked back in reflex and Sam grinned. 

 

“Let’s dry off on the rocks okay? We gotta head back eventually.” Grizz said and Sam nodded, following the boy to a large rock in the sun. They clambered out of the water and laid on it side by side. Sam let his eyes close against the warmth of the sun once more, basking in the light. 

 

He tried not to think about the fact that Grizz was laying next to him in only his wet boxers that hid nothing. 

 

He tried not to think about the fact that if he turned slightly to his left he would be able to kiss Grizz.

 

He tried not to think.

 

He felt a nudge and his eyes popped open and he turned his head slightly to see Grizz looking back at him.

 

“What’s up?” He asked.

 

“Do you think you could teach me how to do archery sometime?” Grizz asked and Sam felt a smile widen on his face.

 

“You have to ask?”

 

Grizz shrugged a little shyly. “I dunno I mean you are an expert. I didn’t know if that was beneath you.”

 

Sam shifted his body so he was facing his entire self towards Grizz. The other boy did the same. “I’m literally here to teach children who probably won’t even listen. You’d be no problem.” 

 

Grizz smiled and shifted back onto his back. Sam kept his position and studied the other boy. Grizz was much more bulky than he was but in a good way. Sam couldn’t help the thoughts of Grizz picking him up with no problem that coursed through his head. The boy’s tanned skin glistened from the water and he looked like an angel come to Earth. 

 

It seemed, Sam realized, that he was a goner and he was okay with that fact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooooo our boy has got it BAD gotta love pining and longing and all that fun stuff. when I said slow burn I meant a slow burn ok strap in tight!
> 
> let me know what you thiiiiiink!!!


	6. let your arrow fly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam teaches Grizz some archery lessons

For the first time, Grizz was kinda annoyed that he was shunned to the stables during camp. Previous summers he loved the fact that he got to see the campers only during meals and when the cabins came for their trail ride time.

 

Now he was wishing he could be let out from his responsibilities so he could hang out with Sam.

 

It was the third day of the first camp session that lasted two weeks and he had only seem Sam late at night when he and the rest of his bunkmates came back to pass the fuck out after a long day and then again when they got ready for breakfast. 

 

The rest of the time he was teaching campers how to ride and how to work with horses or during his down time he was in the office on his laptop ordering more feed or teaching himself ASL. He was really bad at it and it was incredibly slow going since his connection depended on his hotspot on his phone and even that was spotty at times.

 

“What are you doing?” Gwen asked when she came in from a trail ride.

 

Grizz looked up from the computer screen, hands still in midair. “Teaching myself ASL.” he said simply and Gwen gave him a sly grin.

 

“You like Sam don’t you?”

 

He scoffed. “Nooo, I just want to be able to speak more easily to him.”

 

Gwen crossed her arms and leaned against the table. “It’s okay if you do. I think you two would be cute actually. You already make heart eyes at each other.” 

 

Grizz was glad that Gwen had been so cool about the fact that he was gay and definitely not into her like that. It had been awkward for a hot minute even after they had made up but now Gwen it seemed had made it her mission to find him a boy from the slim pickings at the camp. She had set her sights on Sam.

 

He and Sam hadn’t really discussed the trail ride much but Grizz had definitely thought about it. In fact most times he was daydreaming and Gwen had to snap her fingers to get his attention he was back in the lagoon with Sam’s warm body wrapped around his own. 

 

It was maddening.

 

It was everything.

 

He couldn’t stop thinking about it and it made him so annoyed that he was too chicken to just cross that threshold and kiss the other boy. He had literally had him in his arms and yet…

 

Fear was a powerful thing.

 

West Ham Summer Camp was much different than his small town that he grew up in nearby. It had freedom that he never got in high school and still didn’t in college. His parents still thought he was out banging chicks left and right when really he spent most of his time in the library studying or reading philosophy in his free time. He was about to tell them that he preferred men over women, at least until he could provide for himself.

 

He had heard his father make snide comments one too many times that could threaten his ability to stay at Yale if he ever let out that he wasn’t on the straight and narrow path to a white picket fence with 1.5 children. 

 

Here in the woods it was different. He could be himself for the most part. He could read books in bed and no one would question him. He could learn ASL on his laptop and people would find it endearing. He was sure that if he told people he was gay they wouldn’t judge him but that was too close to home.

 

His chest constricted at the very idea that someone might tell his parents that he was dating a man.

 

But when Sam locked him down with those baby blues he wanted to throw everything out the window and take a leap of faith. 

 

The sun was starting to set and he knew all of the campers were by the bonfire that happened every night. He knew he was free to do what he wanted now that all the horses were in the stables and attended to for the night. 

 

Gwen had already left to head back to her cabin and he had finished up writing feed totals down before leaving. He trudged back towards the main lodge but stopped when he saw that Sam was still under the archery awning picking up equipment.

 

He diverted his path towards Sam, pulling the sleeves of his sweatshirt down now that the night air was starting to set in. He gave Sam a little wave and Sam waved back before leaning down to pick up more quivers.

 

“Need a hand?” He asked as he got closer, attempting to use some of the signs that he had taught himself.

 

Sam watched his hands before his gaze flicked up to Grizz’s and he gave Grizz a half smile. “Where did you learn that?”

 

“Oh uh, I’ve been attempting to teach myself. Did I do it right?” He asked hesitantly and Sam gave him a wider smile.

 

“Yeah for the most part.” Sam laughed. “The hand sign is kinda gross huh? Makes me feel like I’m a pirate about to chop a deserter’s hand off.” 

 

Grizz let out a laugh. “Dude you’re so sick.” He shook his hand and Sam grinned at him before pointing to the extra quivers that Sam couldn’t grab on his own. He got the memo and gathered them in his arms and followed him to the shed. 

 

Sam turned around and Grizz took an involuntary step back. They were extremely close, enough that he could body check him without even moving his feet. 

 

“Whoops, sorry.” Grizz apologized and Sam reached out for the quivers, putting them away except for one. He reached in and grabbed a bow that was larger than the other practice bows and tapped Grizz on the chest with it, urging him to move back. “What are you--?” He started.

 

“You wanted to learn right? We still have some sunlight.” Sam looked up at him and threw him the bow. Grizz caught it easily, reflexes still there from his time during football.

 

He looked down at the bow and then back to Sam. He straightened then backed to the side, sweeping his arm forward dramatically like he was welcoming Sam to a ball and inviting him to take the lead. Sam snorted then rolled his eyes and swung his own bow on his shoulder that was considerably more fancy than the one Grizz held in his hand.

 

Grizz followed Sam to stand in front of a target and Sam inspected Grizz’s arm before nodding. 

 

“What?” Grizz asked, looking down at Sam.

 

“Your hoodie should protect your arm from the snap of the bowstring. Don’t push it up though, otherwise you’re gonna need an arm guard,” Sam explained, patting his own arm sleeve that looked like something out of an early 2000s music video.

 

“Oh is that what that is?” Grizz asked, pointing to the arm guard. “I thought you were trying to get back in touch with your emo days.”

 

“Who’s said I ever left them?” Sam smirked and Grizz couldn’t help but sputter out a laugh at the serious way Sam said it. Sam winked at him before pushing Grizz back a little bit with the tip of his bow once more. Grizz didn’t want to admit he found that movement extremely hot. Apparently he liked to be pushed around. Who knew? “Okay now I’m going to show you the stance and demonstrate a few and then we’ll have you do it.”

 

Grizz nodded and waited for Sam.

 

Sam planted his feet sideways, facing Grizz before turning his torso towards the target. “You’re going to want to take your dominant hand against the bowstring and your non-dominant hand will act as sort of an anchor on the actual bow.” 

 

Grizz nodded again as Sam demonstrated once more, pulling back the bow string to show Grizz then slowly brought it back to its resting position. Sam reached down and grabbed an arrow, notching it against the bow and the string.

 

“Your bow has a little bead to help you string the bow but you’re going to hold the feather end with your fingers as you pull back the string. Some people like to use their face as an anchor to keep the arrow against the bow but unless you’re an expert you’re probably going to get snapped with the string so put your thumb against the outside of the arrow. When you’re ready to pull back I like to take a breath in, pull back, and then release the string with your breath. Kinda like breathing.” Sam explained and then did just that. Grizz turned his head as the arrow stuck right in the bullseye.

 

He turned back to Sam who had already strung another arrow and it stuck right next to the first followed quickly by a third. 

 

Grizz looked back at Sam with slight awe and shook his head. “You’re going to laugh at me. I’m probably going to make that arrow fly into the woods.” Grizz backed away and Sam laughed.

 

“I’m not going to laugh at your first attempt. It’s harder than it looks but you’ve got me to teach you.” Sam gave him an encouraging smile and Grizz sighed.

 

Sam set his bow against one of the poles of the awning and reached out to grip Grizz’s elbows, maneuvering him into position. Grizz liked the feel of Sam’s fingers against his skin and he let himself be moved into place. 

 

“Okay, now grab an arrow and string it.” Sam said in his ear. 

 

Grizz gulped and bent over, nearly hitting Sam with his ass since the boy was standing so close. He stood up and attempted to follow Sam’s directions. There was a little bead on the string that made it easier but the arrow kept wanting to lean away from the bow. He wrapped his thumb around it like Sam said and it stayed put.

 

“Envision the target before you let go.” Sam said. “Remember to take a breath in, pull, then let go.”

 

Grizz straightened and looked dead at the target. He wanted to hit it at the very least. He sucked in a breath, pulled back on the string and let it fly.

 

“Nice one!” Sam cheered as the arrow stuck halfway toward the bullseye. 

 

Grizz’s face brightened into a wide smile and he turned around. Sam’s face was beaming and he let out a laugh. “Not bad huh?”

 

“Way better than any of my other students today.” Sam grinned up at Grizz. He pointed to the quiver. “Do some more.”

 

Grizz did just that and Sam got in close, adjusting his body with his hot hands. His touch left little lightning storms across his skin and he felt like he was floating. He felt Sam’s fingers against the inside of his elbow, down his back, against his cheek.

 

He let himself be molded by Sam if only for another taste of that spark.

 

By the time the sun set, he was getting close to the bullseye.

 

They put the bows and arrows away before heading down towards the main lodge, laughing along the way. 

 

The rest of the counselors and activity leaders were already done with dinner. Will had left them both plates in the back kitchen which they took outside on the rocking chairs.

 

“So do you think you’re going to go to the Olympics?” Grizz asked after they began slowing down on eating.

 

“That’s the dream. My coaches were annoyed that I decided to come here instead of train all summer but I was starting to get burnt out.” Sam explained as he tore into a roll. 

 

Grizz leaned back in his chair and let out a breathy laugh. “Wow, that’s so cool.” 

 

“But what do you do? I still don’t think I even know what you’re majoring in.” 

 

“Environmental engineering. I wanted to do literature with a minor in poetry but according to my parents that’s not a ‘viable career’.” He said, finishing in air quotes.

 

“Those are two very different fields.” Sam raised an eyebrow, his skin glowing an odd color in the fluorescent lights.

 

“I’ve always liked being outside as a kid. I even became an eagle scout. My project was actually fixing up the stables here so they could have horses again. It made sense to me but I still wouldn’t mind going back eventually and just taking a few courses here and there based on literature and poetry.” Grizz explained.

 

“Not even out of school yet and already dreaming of going back.” Sam smirked.

 

“I always liked school. It comes easy to me.” Grizz shrugged shyly.

 

Sam shook his head. “It’s never been easy for me. Especially in general education. My school wanted to send me to the Deaf school but my parents vetoed that option and kept me in the gen ed setting. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like only using ASL instead of constantly trying to lipread and keep up with conversations.” Sam said a little wistfully.

 

Grizz felt guilty. He felt bad not know ASL and being able to talk to Sam in his language. “I wish I could just use ASL with you. I’m not very good yet. I can’t even imagine trying to keep up with people all day. It sounds exhausting.”

 

Sam leaned back in his chair and gave him a nod and a little shrug. “It is what it is. At least in college I have an interpreter for free.” 

 

“Yeah but still. I feel bad.” 

 

Sam gave him a confused look. “Why do you feel bad?”

 

“Because you still have to try with me. I don’t--” He started and stopped. He was getting into dangerous territory that he didn’t even know he was treading into. “I just mean you shouldn’t have to work so hard to communicate. Maybe you can teach me some sign.” 

 

Sam shifted in his rocking chair so that he was facing Grizz more. “If you’re willing I’d be more than happy to.” Sam’s lips quirked into a smile. “Not many people are that accommodating so thank you. I appreciated your sign attempts so far. I forgot to mention that before.”

 

Grizz felt his face bloom into a blush and he ducked his head slightly, suddenly shy. “It’s only fair that I try.” 

 

Sam’s face morphed into a soft expression. Grizz was pretty sure that if he was in an old timey movie this is the part where the picture would become hazy and whimsical. This would be the part where soft stringed instruments would begin playing and the audience would sigh with content at the two lovers.

 

But this wasn’t a movie and he and Sam were not lovers. 

 

He cleared his throat. “Should we clean up? Got a long day of trail rides tomorrow.” He stood and Sam stood as well. 

 

“Will I get to see you again for more archery practice?” Sam asked and Grizz gave him a half smile.

 

“As long as the student gets to surpass the master.”

 

Sam leaned in close with a coy look. “You’ll never surpass me Grizz.” 

 

“Sounds like a challenge to me.”

 

“You know it.” Sam winked and Grizz watched him walk away.

 

If only he was in a movie, perhaps then he could get his happy ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ummmmm WOW OK GRIZZ WAY TO BE SUPER ROMANTIC WTF
> 
> y'all know what I'm talking about right with the movies? You know those scenes you used to skip through as a child because boooooring. Now it's my entire life and damn do I wish grizzam could get that scene. Perhaps in the next few chapters huh???
> 
> Anyhoo as always let me know your thoughts and squeals ;D


	7. when the bough breaks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam joins Grizz on the first expedition of the summer.

Life had become very structured for Sam. 

 

He would wake up usually at the same time as Grizz, feeling the bed move under him as Grizz clambered out of the bottom bunk and stumbled towards the bathroom. 

 

He would eat breakfast usually with Grizz since the rest of the campers and counselors were at a later schedule.

 

He would join Grizz at the stables, helping out even though that definitely wasn’t in his job description but he liked doing it anyways.

 

He would walk back to the archery awning and begin teaching lessons to the campers that hadn’t gotten a chance to try it.

 

He would wait for Grizz and Gwen before walking back to the main lodge for lunch. 

 

He would usually sit with Becca and Kelly though Becca usually forced him to go sit with Grizz halfway through.

 

He would walk back to the archery awning for afternoon lessons and free time where he got to know some of the campers really well.

 

He would teach some sign to the ones that kept coming back to the awning for freetime. 

 

(He definitely shouldn’t be teaching the older campers how to curse in ASL but their parents would never know.)

 

He would wait for Grizz to show up again and he would mess around and shoot an entire quiver full of arrows while Grizz attempted to hone his budding skills.

 

He and Grizz would walk back once the sun set and would eat their plates left by Will and Sam would teach Grizz more sign.

 

He would walk to their cabin, usually booty bumping Grizz at least once along the way.

 

He would pass the fuck out.

 

He would do it all again the next morning.

 

It had a rhythm to it that Sam found he liked.

 

He especially liked the way Grizz was more loose around him. The only times he saw the boy tense up was if he got a little too close for comfort but then he would see the look in Grizz’s eyes and he would feel himself tense up and move away on his own volition. 

 

He had seen that look before in other boys.

 

He knew what it meant but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to accept it, despite what his body was screaming at him.

 

“Are you ready for the expedition?” Becca asked him at lunch.

 

Sam had looked up at the first start of her signs and he nodded. “Yep, all packed.”

 

“I heard you and Grizz get to stay in a tent together.” Becca wiggled her eyebrows before grinning at him.

 

“So? We already share a bunk bed.”

 

“Yeah but in the tent you’re going to be side by side.”

 

Sam hadn’t wanted to think about that. He took a long drink of his lemonade. Becca snorted at his avoidance.

 

“Why don’t you just tell him how you feel?”

 

Sam’s eyes narrowed. “Because it would be admitting that I like him more than a friend. It’s different when I’m saying that to a boy Becca. If I just came out and said I liked you no one would give me shit for it, but if I said that to Grizz I would be admitting I’m different.” His signs got more fierce and punched as the conversation went on and Becca’s face dropped.

 

“I know babe,” She said, signs soft. She reached out and grabbed his hand. “I just want you to be happy and I know you like hanging out with Grizz but it’s gotta be torture.” Her expression made him want to burst. 

 

He sucked in a deep breath and his spine slumped. He turned his head slightly to see Grizz chatting with Gwen and Luke farther down the table. He really did want to say something but everytime he got even a little bit close he froze and kept thinking back to the times he had said something to one of his crushes only to have them look at him with disgust and never speak to him again.

 

He couldn’t let that happen with him and Grizz. The boy had already become too important to Sam in the short few weeks he had known him.

 

“Hey,” Grizz sat down next to him backwards on the bench, his back leaning up against the table so he and Sam were face to face. “You about ready to head out?”

 

Sam straightened instantly at the sudden appearance of Grizz. “Yep, just say the word captain.”

 

“Let’s go outside then and make sure the packs are ready.” Grizz clapped him on the back and Sam followed quickly. He knew he looked like a lost puppy dog, but he couldn’t seem to help himself.

 

The packs were gathered around in a semi-circle. Most of them were smaller and were for the campers but he and Grizz’s along with Jason, Clark, Helena, and Allie’s were much bigger, carrying most of the supplies they would need for the night.

 

When Sam had asked why Grizz wasn’t sleeping with Clark who was clearly his closest friend other than Luke and Gwen, Grizz had simply shrugged and said that he’d rather sleep with Sam since he knew that Clark snored.

 

Sam didn’t miss the way Grizz bit his lip nervously or the way that he attempted to sign.

 

Grizz had gotten pretty good at basic ASL that was taught the first semester in school. Mainly things a five year old would need to know like saying their basic wants and needs.

 

He surprised Sam sometimes with knowing random signs that were considerably more advanced and every time he was surprised Sam wished he could just kiss Grizz to show his happiness that he was even taking the smallest amount of time to try and use his language.

 

It meant the world.

 

“Okay I think we’ve got everything. Are you sure you’re okay with taking the tent? It’s pretty heavy.” Grizz asked, looking up from where he was squatted down checking the packs.

 

“Oi, archer, remember? My entire strength comes from my shoulders and arms.” Sam smirked, kicking Grizz a little off balance so he had to splay his hands out to not fall over.

 

Sam jumped out of the way when Grizz retaliated, giggling annoyingly. God he was pretty sure if he could hear himself right now he would bitch slap himself and give a pep talk about not being so ridiculous. But it seemed he couldn’t help himself.

 

The campers finished their lunch and came out to where Grizz gave instructions. They would be taking a five mile hike towards the mountain and along the way Grizz would stop and give wilderness advice. All Sam could notice was the fact that Grizz was wearing a stupid floppy hat and his pants were tucked into his tube socks. 

 

What a dork.

 

What a stupid, cute, dork.

 

Sam stuck by Grizz most of the way but he had to admit the guy set a pretty steep pace. So much so that when he stopped every once in a while to point out a cool plant or deer track Sam took that opportunity to lean over with his hands on his thighs. He was breathing way too hard. He supposed it made sense. He definitely wasn’t in the sport that required constant running conditioning. Most of his conditioning was weights or push-ups. This was definitely not his usual workout.

 

“How you doing?” Grizz signed to him as they kept walking.

 

“Am I breathing loud? I feel like I’m breathing loud.” He said huffing and puffing.

 

Grizz gave him a giant grin. “You sound like you smoke a pack a day.”

 

“It’s two packs actually.” 

 

Grizz laughed, eyes crinkling in the corners and Sam felt his heart beat a little harder. It could have been the elevation or it could be the fact that every time he made Grizz’s eyes squint like that he was pretty sure he was having pre-heart attack symptoms. 

 

Finally they got to their destination. It was a secluded little area surrounded by pine trees and big enough for everyone to fit. There was even a little rock fire pit that looked like it hadn’t been used since last summer. 

 

Grizz gave off orders for some of the campers to go and find firewood and for others to start putting up the tents. He hadn’t realized that Grizz himself was carrying one of the giant eight person tents on his back while Sam had only been given their two person one.

 

“You didn’t make me carry one of the big ones? Afraid I might pass out or something?” Sam accused though secretly he was glad. He was definitely not in shape enough for this. Why did he do this again?

 

Grizz smiled at him and nodded. “Yup, definitely considered that a possibility.”

 

Oh yeah, that was why he came. 

 

“Well thanks for that one.” Sam let his pack hit the ground and he stretched his muscles. “Looking out for me.”

 

“Always.” Grizz winked and then went to help Allie with her tent.

 

Sam went to work setting up their two person one. He had been camping before with his family though it had been a while but how hard could it be?

 

He thought he was doing it right but then he felt Grizz’s hands on his own and he looked up. Grizz was laughing and shaking his head. 

 

“What?”

 

“You’ve got it inside out.” Grizz explained and stood up, flipping the tent fabric so that it was the right way.

 

“Oh...wow what a great assistant I am.” Sam said awkwardly, embarrassed that he couldn’t even put a tent together. 

 

“You’re going great. You got the tarp down really well and you picked a nice flat area.” Grizz encouraged and Sam rolled his eyes.

 

“Just tell me I’m hopeless and we can move on.” 

 

“You’ll never be hopeless as long as I am here.” Grizz smiled softly and Sam felt another squeeze of his chest.

 

Definitely pre-heart attack symptoms. 

 

The rest of the set up when smoothly and soon all of the campers were gathered around the campfire roasting hot dogs and making smores. 

 

He grinned at Grizz when his face was covered in chocolate.

 

Grizz laughed when he made a disgusted look at the marshmallow that had gotten all over him. 

 

The rest of the campers were laughing with their friends, but soon it started to get dark.

 

Grizz rose from his place on the log. 

 

Sam looked up, admiring just how tall Grizz truly was.

 

“Alright guys, time to head to the tents. Tomorrow morning we’re going down to a lake so breakfast will be at dawn.” Grizz explained and the campers seemed to groan. “Hey, hey, no complaining. It’s not like you have to cook it.” 

 

Sam watched the campers make their way to their tents, the counselors following behind. He felt a little bad that he and Grizz got their own tent but then he looked back at Grizz and realized that he didn’t feel bad one bit.

 

“Ready?” Grizz asked, holding out a hand.

 

Sam slipped his hand into the bigger man’s and let himself be pulled up to a point his feet came off the ground. Sometimes he forgot just how strong Grizz was and those were dangerous thoughts to have.

 

Grizz turned on the lantern outside the tent before gesturing for Sam to get in first. He crawled in, sitting his sleeping bag.

 

“I don’t know how you can enjoy camping. I just feel gross. I never usually go to bed without a shower if I’ve been sweating.” Sam crinkled his nose in annoyance. 

 

Grizz shrugged. “Outdoors baby.” He leaned in so that he was incredibly close to Sam. “Do I smell?”

 

Sam let out a “ugh” and pushed Grizz away but he didn’t smell bad. In fact he smelled really really good. He swallowed hard and started fiddling with his sleeping bag.

 

“How was today? Have I converted you to the outdoors yet?” Grizz asked, poking him before speaking.

 

“I’m getting there. It was really pretty today. You definitely know a lot and I think half the girl campers have a crush on you.” Sam smirked and Grizz rolled his eyes.

 

“They always have a crush on all of the counselors.” 

 

Sam was silent, tension building between them. He wanted desperately to admit his own crush. 

 

Grizz was silent as well, watching Sam. His eyes were dark in the lantern light, shadows making weird shapes against the planes of his face. 

 

“Hey Sam?” Grizz asked and Sam had to focus hard on Grizz’s lips. It was much harder to read his words in this lighting.

 

“Yeah?” He asked softly, eyes flicking up to Grizz’s gaze.

 

Grizz hesitated before continuing. “I’m uh...I’m really glad you came.” 

 

He let his lips curl into a slow smile. “I’m glad too.”

 

Grizz shifted so that he was in his sleeping bag and Sam followed suit. “Goodnight.” Grizz signed and Sam signed the same back. 

 

Grizz reached out to turn out the lantern light. They were plunged into darkness and for a moment he thought he saw Grizz move his hands into another sign. Sam frowned and reached over to turn on the light.

 

“Did you sign something?” He asked, still sitting up with only his legs in his sleeping bag.

 

Grizz was in the same position and his eyes widened. “What?”

 

“I thought I saw your hands...did you sign something to me? I didn’t see it in the dark.”

 

Sam watched Grizz suck in a deep breath, his entire body rigid and Sam wondered what had gotten him so agitated. It wasn’t him was it?

 

He looked down at Grizz’s hands and watched as they hesitantly became flattened “o”s and he assumed Grizz would bring them together for the ‘more’ sign. But then he didn’t. Sam’s breath caught as Grizz brought one hand slowly to his mouth before putting it against his other hand.

 

“You want…” Sam stuttered and Grizz gnawed at his lip, panic in his eyes. 

 

“I…” Grizz started. “I thought…”

 

Without thinking Sam leaned over to cross the divide between them, his legs getting twisted in his sleeping bag. He moved slowly. A glacier pace, watching Grizz the entire time. Grizz’s eyes were hooded and his chest was raising and falling rapidly. Sam would be lying if his own wasn’t doing the same. 

 

He looked at Grizz one more time before, bringing a hand up to slowly wrap around the back of the boy’s neck, thumb brushing against his cheek and then he closed the last few centimeters between them. 

 

Grizz’s plush lips felt like white hot electricity against his own. He kissed him softly at first, testing the waters. 

 

But then he felt Grizz’s mouth open and he felt the kiss deepen. He automatically scooted closer to the point that he was nearly in Grizz’s lap. He felt the white hot poker of Grizz’s hand against the small of his back, bringing him even closer as their mouths moved against one another’s.

 

Sam broke off the kiss, gasping for air and his eyes fluttered open, gazing up at Grizz in the wan light of the lantern. Even sitting down Grizz towered over him. 

 

“Was that okay?” He asked and Grizz huffed out a laugh.

 

“More than okay.”

 

Sam nibbled at his lip, not sure what to say next. The fragile state of their friendship was holding its breath. 

 

“So you’re….?” He asked trailing off.

 

Grizz bit his own lip and nodded. “Yeah I’m...I’m gay.” 

 

Sam straightened and looked down shyly. “Well thank god.”

 

Grizz poked him in the side and Sam looked up to see a giant grin on Grizz’s face. “I thought I was going crazy.” 

 

“You think you were going crazy? I thought you hated me for a solid week!” 

 

“I didn’t know what to do with myself around you. You were loud and confident and funny. And here I was just the broody stable guy.” Grizz chuckled. “I thought I would scare you off since I’m so...well...awkward.” 

 

“With an ass like that?” Sam raised an eyebrow and Grizz’s eyes widened as a blush crept onto his face. Sam leaned over to give him another kiss and Grizz instantly melted against him. He pulled back. “That’s like a honey trap right there.” Sam grinned and Grizz sputtered.

 

Sam rolled his lips to attempt to keep the giant grin at bay but it was no use. Finally, _finally_ it seemed that he could breathe normally around Grizz.

 

“We should probably actually go to sleep now though right? Dawn is coming soon.” Sam asked, cocking his head and Grizz nodded quickly.

 

“Right. Goodnight Sam.”

 

“Goodnight Grizz.”

 

The lantern light flicked off and then it was just the two of them in the dark. Sam shuffled under his sleeping bag but wiggled his way closer to Grizz. He smiled to himself when Grizz pulled him closer, fitting easily in the spoon of his body.

 

He could get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ehehehehe ur welcome
> 
> I also debated on which sign to use for kiss and after doing some research decided on this one. All of you ASL speakers out there let me know if I did it wrong and if youtube lied to me.
> 
> As always scream at me in the comments. It makes my day <3


	8. dances with devils

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grizz wakes up with Sam wrapped around him.

Grizz woke up with a warm body snuggled into his own. He could feel the heat of it seeping through two sleeping bags. He opened his eyes to the sound of his watch alarm going off and for a moment he froze, thinking it would wake Sam.

 

_Sam._

 

He shifted, peeking over the mess of red strawberry blonde hair and saw that Sam was still asleep though he shifted back against Grizz in retaliation. 

 

Grizz moved his hips back and slipped his arm out of Sam’s grip slowly before shifting to his back, looking up at the first beams of light from the sun breaking over the tree tops and filtering down through the fabric of the tent.

 

He had kissed Sam.

 

His mouth twisted into a smile definitely wasn’t able to help and he scrunched his eyes shut, grinning to himself.

 

“Why the fuck you smiling?” Sam mumbled and Grizz’s eyes shot open and he turned to see Sam frowning sleepily at him. “It’s ass o’clock in the morning you weirdo.”

 

Grizz shifted back to his side, putting one arm under his head for support as he looked at Sam. Sleep was still bleary in Sam’s eyes and he looked like a grumpy puppy dog.

 

“Oh no reason.” He grinned, already awake and ready to go. Sam gave an annoyed and disgusted sound, grumbling to himself and Grizz scooted closer. “Why are you not more pumped this morning?”

 

Sam studied him for a moment before rolling his eyes. “You kiss a guy one time and he thinks he’s your entire world.” Sam pursed his lips but a lopsided smile appeared on his face. 

 

“Should I change my name to Eliot now or should I wait a bit?” Grizz teased and Sam huffed out a laugh.

 

“You’re ridiculous.” But then Sam reached out and brought Grizz’s face down to his and Grizz let himself be pulled to Sam’s lips.

 

The butterflies started swarming and he let out a soft moan at the feel of Sam’s tongue sweeping into his mouth. He wrapped his arm around Sam’s torso and tugged the boy closer to him. This was not the most comfortable position, especially on the hard earth, but he didn’t seem to care one bit because _Sam_ was kissing him again and last night wasn’t a fever dream that he made up in his mind.

 

Sam leaned back, breathing hard, lips bright red and swollen. If Grizz didn’t have to leave this tent and cook breakfast for the campers he would stay longer.

 

“That was certainly a good morning.” Grizz said in a whisper but still making sure that Sam could understand.

 

“Most certainly.” Sam mumbled, biting his lip as his eyes moved from Grizz’s gaze to his lips and back again. “Are you sure you have to cook breakfast? The campers can starve right?”

 

Grizz laughed quietly. “Wait until they start complaining and then come ask me that question again.” 

 

Sam let out a loud sigh and rolled to his back. “Guess I better come help you then.” Grizz watched as Sam lolled his head to the side dramatically. “Like a good assistant.” And then his eyes widened and Grizz was confused for a second as to what made Sam so shocked. “Oh my god. I’m the _assistant_. I’m literally in a romcom right now. My parents would be so ashamed I’m stooping to the level of plot piece right now.”

 

Grizz let out a bark of laughter, rolling onto his back. 

 

“This is not funny.” Sam whacked him in the stomach and he groaned at the sudden pain. “Call my parents right now and tell them I need to be picked up because I’m literally becoming a slut.”

 

“But you’re…. _my_ slut.” Grizz snorted out another laugh, trying his hardest to be serious but didn’t even make it through the entire sentence.

 

Sam grinned at him and sat up, struggling to get out of his sleeping bag but then pounced on top of Grizz who let out another groan from Sam’s sudden weight. “Anything I can do for you Mr. Visser?” Sam murmured in a very sultry tone and Grizz knew he was playing a part but damn if it didn’t go straight to his dick. 

 

Grizz wrapped his arms around Sam, locking his hands. “Now that you mention it Mr. Eliot, I think I need my papers sorted.”

 

Sam walked his fingers across Grizz’s chest and he sucked in a breath at the look in Sam’s eyes. This was quickly becoming a dangerous situation and he was suddenly very aware that there were campers not 10 feet from them and all he had in between Sam on top of him and the rest of the campers was a flimsy bit of nylon. He looked into Sam’s eyes that had become dark with desire. 

 

“Anything for you Mr. Visser.” Sam murmured in a low tone. 

 

Grizz was about to throw caution to the wind when he heard Jason and Clark start talking and he froze, unlocking his hands. “Shit.” He hissed and Sam scrambled off of him after seeing Grizz look outside and the quick jolt of panic on his face.

 

He looked over at Sam who peeked up through the mesh of the tent and Sam turned around to grin at Grizz. 

 

“I’ll go fend them off while you uh….” Sam looked pointedly at his crotch before his expression turned into a smug smirk. “Take care of that.”

 

Grizz moved to sit up to whack Sam but he skirted away from his hand with an evil laugh and made his way out of the tent. Grizz flopped back onto his back and he closed his eyes before shaking his head to himself. 

 

It seemed he had opened Pandora’s box and now he would be under constant torture by a devil.

 

Breakfast went smoothly and soon the group was headed down toward the lagoon that Grizz had taken Sam on their first trail ride. Sam booty checked him as he made his way past and Grizz almost stumbled into a bush. Sam looked over his shoulder with a sly look before heading down the path.

 

Grizz on the other hand had stopped and let the group file in around him.

 

This lagoon had much different context now that Grizz knew Sam was also gay and also into him. He wasn’t sure if he could handle it.

 

“Grizz are you going to make an announcement?” Allie asked, stopping next to him with a raised eyebrow.

 

“Uh yeah.” He replied, not even looking at her, his gaze focused in on Sam who was laughing with some of the campers.

 

“Grizz?” Allie interrupted his thoughts and he turned to look at her. She gave him a questioning look. “You awake there buddy?”

 

“Yeah, sorry.” He shook his head and trudged forward clapping his hands in one of the cadences the counselor’s used to call attention. The campers clapped back and he felt a little tug of sadness that Sam’s face flashed to confusion before looking up at him. “Listen up! We’re going to be here for a couple of hours. Make sure you’re putting on sunscreen otherwise you’re going to hate yourselves later. After we’re done here, we’re heading back to camp so I would recommend you don’t completely tire yourselves out. Yes it’s a trek downhill but it’s also five miles so uh...do with that what you will.”

 

The campers cheered and started stripping off their clothes to reveal their swimsuits and jumped into the lagoon. Grizz walked over to Sam.

 

“I think I liked this better when it was just the two of us.” Sam said with a little smirk on his face.

 

“No screaming kids? Uh yeah definitely.” He grinned. “Are you going to get in or sit this one out?”

 

Sam looked out over the water and grimaced at the amount of splashing and bodies disturbing the water. “Uh I’m gonna sit this one out.”

 

Grizz beamed. “Good answer.” He angled his head toward a big rock in the shade and the two of them walked over, sitting down and watching the kids have fun in the water. Allie, Helena, Jason, and Clark were in the water so they would hold down the fort by acting as first aid. 

 

“Can you believe our first session is almost over?” Grizz turned to look at Sam and the boy shook his head.

 

“It’s really going fast. Thank god we still have like what...four more sessions?”

 

Grizz nodded and then a thought coursed through him. He would only have eight more weeks with Sam, and then it would be back to the reality of school. Was it bad that he was already thinking about how feasible it could be to visit Sam at Harvard? He bit his lip and leaned back against the rock. He was thinking too far ahead. He needed to focus on the present.

 

“After every session we do another bonfire.” Grizz said, poking Sam so he knew he was speaking again.

 

Sam smirked at him. “This time so I get to kiss you instead of Gwen?”

 

Grizz laughed. “Hey she was drunk and lonely, and now she gets it. I’ve felt the same way.” He said, voice getting softer at the end. 

 

Sam’s face morphed into a softer look. “Yeah me too.”

 

They continued to talk until it was time to go. Sam kept up pretty well on the hike back though the campers started to complain at around mile three like they usually did. Grizz took more breaks on the way back and explained some more of the wildlife along the way. Everyone gasped when Grizz spotted a bald eagle nest.

 

Then it was back to the camp and everyone groaned in happiness at Will waiting for them with hamburgers and hotdogs by the lake. 

 

Grizz’s heart soared when Sam slipped his hand into his in the dark while fireworks went off over the lake as a celebration of their last day. 

 

He turned to look at Sam as the colors from the fireworks bloomed across his face. “Can you feel them?” He asked and Sam nodded.

 

“It feels like my chest is exploding.” Sam laughed happily before turning back to the sky but Grizz it seemed only had eyes for Sam.

 

The next day was bittersweet. Grizz gave hugs to those campers who ran up to him to say goodbye. He awkwardly got a few slips of paper from some of the more confident girls that he promptly threw away as soon as the last of the buses pulled away.

 

“Alright team awesome job with our first session!” Cassandra complimented the crowd gathered in the main lodge. Sam was sitting with Becca and they were quickly signing to each other under the table and Becca glanced over at Grizz with a beaming smile. He shrugged and turned back to look at Cassandra and Gordie. “Any activity leader I would like you to take inventory and give us a list of any items you need before the next session starting Monday and all cabin leaders we will be cleaning the cabins and the main lodge.”

 

“Aaaand go.” Gordie said and everyone laughed as they slowly got up from the tables. Grizz went over to Sam and Becca who’s heads looked up at him.

 

“So...interesting night last night?” Becca asked with a wry expression and Grizz shrugged. 

 

“I saw an owl. Does that count?” He said with a teasing expression and Sam whacked him lightly in the arm but was grinning all the same.

 

“I don’t need to do inventory if you need help in the stables.” Sam said and Grizz nodded. He wasn’t sure how Gwen left the stables though he knew she would have done a good job.

 

“Sounds good.”

 

Sam rose and looked back at Becca. “See you later.”

 

“Or will I?” Becca grinned and Sam stuck out his tongue before motioning for Grizz to lead the way.

 

Gwen was in the office when they got there. “Hey boys. How was the trip?”

 

“Awesome.”

 

“Gross.” 

 

They said at the same time. Grizz looked at Sam with a confused expression.

 

“Gross?”

 

“Yeah I couldn’t take a shower and it felt nasty.” He shrugged, making his head slightly angle towards Gwen, eyes widening and Grizz rolled his eyes.

 

“Dude she already knows.”

 

“I know what?” Gwen asked, leaning forward on her elbows.

 

“That I’m gay.”

 

Gwen’s eyes widened and she looked between the two boys standing in front of her. “You two fucked?”

 

Grizz sputtered out a choked sound and Sam just burst into laughter. 

 

“No we didn’t _fuck_. We just...kissed.” Grizz explained and Sam continued to laugh to the point that he had to double over. 

 

Gwen laughed herself. “Well that’s boring as fuck. Tell me when the two of you fuck then we’ll talk.” 

 

“Oh my god.” Grizz put his hand over his eyes.

 

“Inventory’s already done by the way and I’ve mucked all the stalls and did the feeds so you’re all good.” Gwen rose from her chair. “I’m gonna go back to my cabin and sleep while you two...do whatever.” Grizz moved his hand and she gave him a knowing look before slipping out of the door. 

 

“What an ally.” Sam shook his head in awe, still grinning. He turned back to Grizz. “She left us so we could fuck.”

 

“Uh but we’re not gonna...actually...fuck right? I mean first off that’s really uh...fast? For me? Also this place is really gross and I...uh...I don’t think I want to do anything like that. At least not right now. Um...if that’s cool?” Grizz stumbled over his words, attempting sign but his heartbeat was going faster and Sam laughed again and shook his head.

 

“We’re not going to fuck Grizz. But we could make out at least.” Sam cocked his head and sauntered forward in a way that was incredibly sexy to him. Grizz sucked in a breath as he backed up automatically until he was against the desk. Sam pushed him back with one finger and he let himself sit on it. His legs widened so Sam could move his body even closer. 

 

Now they were face to face and Grizz found he liked this. One of Sam’s hands came up to cup his jaw and the other snuck around to the small of his back.

 

“Kiss me.” Grizz signed, quickly finding that this was becoming his favorite sign.

 

Sam did just that and Grizz felt Sam’s soft, plump lips against his own and he quickly leaned into the kiss. He wanted to continue where they had left off in that tent but the idea of moving that quickly made him almost break out into hives. He did like Sam, he really did but this was honestly the first time he had let himself truly into something like this. Sure he had kissed boys before at college, but he had never gone farther than a couple of blow jobs. His mind would twist around him and constrict him until he broke off anything that could become something more.

 

He desperately wanted Sam to be different. 

 

He wanted his mind to not stop him when the going was good.

 

He wasn’t sure he could handle seeing pain on Sam’s face.

 

This was the first time someone saw him for who he truly was. Mostly he showed peeks and glimpses of himself to others, but Sam it seemed, saw right through him, worming his way into the holes of himself that he couldn’t keep covered up.

 

He let himself fall into the kiss and he snaked his arms around Sam, bringing the boy closer to him and wrapping his legs around his ass. Sam let out a groan that went straight to his cock as they ground against each other. His breathing was becoming ragged and Sam kept letting out little noises. He gasped as Sam’s hand slipped away from the small of his back to his front and his mouth went slack when he felt Sam palm him through his shorts. 

 

Sam leaned back. His eyes were blown wide with desire and his expression was something only a devil would wear. “You like that? Do you want me to make you come?” He asked in a low, dangerous voice.

 

Grizz was too far gone to do more than nod, his eyes hooded and his lips pulsing from the way Sam had bit them. 

 

Sam chuckled and then started kissing Grizz again but this time it was wilder and more desperate. He groaned as Sam began to stick his hands down his shorts, moving the elastic from his shorts and underwear out of the way. He went rigid when Sam’s hand wrapped around his cock and his head fell back, neck elongating. 

 

Sam took that as a sign to kiss his neck and his shoulder, moving his shirt so he could bite harshly against his collarbone and Grizz hissed in pleasure at the feeling. 

 

“Sam I’m...I’m not gonna last.” He said, knocking his hand frantically against Sam’s wrist that was down his pants. Sam looked up and gave him a cruel smile.

 

“That’s not the point.” Sam said harshly before sucking another bite mark into his skin. “I want you to come.” 

 

Grizz’s breath hitched in his throat as Sam’s hand went faster and his teeth went harder until…

 

He let out a loud groan and his body was convulsing while Sam worked him through it until there was no more and he was boneless.

 

Sam slipped his hand out of Grizz’s pants and moved his fingers to Grizz’s mouth. He tasted himself against Sam’s fingers, mouth encircling them and Sam watched him with a hooded expression.

 

“That was really fucking hot.” Sam murmured, taking his fingers out with a pop and moved in to kiss Grizz. Sam moved back and suddenly his expression was one of shyness. “I uh...may or may not have come myself.”

 

Grizz’s eyes widened and he looked down at Sam’s crotch and sure enough there was a wet spot and he bit his lip with a grin. 

 

“Seemed we were both horny teenagers today.” 

 

Sam laughed and leaned forward, his head against Grizz’s shoulder and Grizz wrapped his arms around Sam in a tight embrace. Grizz kissed the side of Sam’s head before leaning his own head against Sam’s.

 

He may have opened Pandora’s box but he was glad to dance with the devil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you may have noticed, this is now an explicit work because I'm a weak woman and sometimes you gotta have smut to move the plot along right? Not really but this is my fic and if I want smut Imma write smut so you're all welcome.
> 
> Let me know your thoughts as always because comments makes the world go round


	9. never have i ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam proposes that he and Grizz play never have I ever together. Things go down.

When Sam wanted something, Sam didn’t stop till he got it.

 

When Sam wanted to learn how to swim at the age of three, his parents took him to the local pool for swim lessons.

 

When Sam wanted to learn how to do archery after watching Robin Hood for the 5,000th time when he was 12 and way too young to be watching Russell Crowe look like _that_ , his parents found him archery lessons.

 

When Sam wanted to become a professional archer after said lessons, his parents took him to a much nicer facility and got him the best trainers they could.

 

When Sam wanted to take time off of archery and go to a summer camp, he did so without express permission from his parents because he needed a break, but they understood.

 

When Sam wanted Grizz however, he had found himself stopped by roadblock after roadblock. Mostly of Grizz’s own volition. Which like Sam got of course, but he wasn’t used to being stopped so abruptly on his path.

 

But then those roadblocks started getting taken down.

 

And now he was almost at his destination and he wished he had stopped to take a look around.

 

He and Grizz were sitting side by side in front of the bonfire and Sam was entertained solely at watching the light flicker over Grizz’s cheekbones and planes of his face. He knew there was a ton of auditory input going on, purely by the way people were dancing and their mouths were open with raised cups. 

 

But in his head it was nothing but silence and _Grizz_.

 

Grizz was laughing as he turned towards Sam and Sam didn’t really care what he was laughing at, only that his eyes were crinkled in the way he liked best and his eyes were sparkling against the firelight. 

 

Grizz’s expression faltered and his eyebrows came together quickly in confusion. “What are you staring at?”

 

It was a little hard to make out the words forming on Grizz’s lips due to changing light but he managed to piece together what he was saying. 

 

“I’m looking at you.” Sam cocked his head and brought his cup towards his face. He felt around with his tongue for his straw, not taking his eyes off Grizz. 

 

Grizz squirmed slightly under the attention. 

 

Sam let go of the straw and leaned forward. “You should steal a bottle of that disgusting Bomb Pop Smirnoff and we should go play never have I ever together.” He was brilliant. He was truly brilliant.

 

Grizz straightened with a quick nod. Sam swung his legs around so he could watch Grizz make his way towards the bar area, greeting people with a slap on the back and a quick laugh and smile before nonchalantly stealing an entire unopened bottle and then hurrying back towards Sam.

 

“I think everyone’s already lit but let’s go before Cassandra yells at us.” Grizz grinned and pulled Sam to his feet. He giggled as he did, enjoying the sheer audacity of it. The two of them hurried towards the lake where the moon was still reflecting off the water. Grizz helped him down the steep drop off until they stopped to sit on a fallen tree that was worn smooth over time. 

 

Sam guzzled the rest of his mixed drink before grabbing the bottle out of Grizz’s hands and pouring some in each of their cups. 

 

“I haven’t played never have I ever in years. I always forget how it goes at first.” Grizz said and Sam was able to understand his lips much better in the more still light. 

 

Sam handed him his cup back. “We take turns saying a statement starting with never have I ever and you try to say a statement that you haven’t done because if you have done it, you have to drink.”

 

Grizz shifted his body so that he was fully facing same, one leg up on the tree and the other dangling to the side. Sam mirrored the movement. 

 

“Do you want me to go first?” Grizz asked and Sam shrugged. “Okay…never have I ever…been to Disney World.” 

 

Sam scoffed and then pursed his lips as he brought his cup to his lips and took a sip. The sweetness was almost too much as the burning washed over him and he scrunched up his eyes in disgust until the liquid was down his throat. “Ugh, this was already a bad idea.” He groaned, opening his eyes to see Grizz laughing at him. “So you’ve never experienced the capitalism that is the wonderful world of Disney?”

 

“Nope, my family took less touristy vacations. Think white water rafting in Colorado and horseback riding in the Smokies.”

 

“Alright Indiana Jones. Never have I ever been white water rafting.” Sam arched and eyebrow and Grizz narrowed his eyes.

 

“Low blow.” But he took a drink anyway, his mouth rounding into an ‘o’ after he swallowed. “Ugh yeah you’re right this stuff is terrible.”

 

“We’re gonna drink it anyways.” 

 

“Accurate. Okay. Never have I ever been skydiving.” Grizz shrugged and Sam arched his eyebrow again.

 

Neither of them drank.

 

“You really think I would go skydiving if I haven’t been white water rafting? Amateaur.” Sam snickered. “Never have I ever...kissed a girl.” Sam’s mouth morphed into a sly look and Grizz took a small sip. Sam looked at him for clarification.

 

“Okay so in high school I never told anyone I was gay so I kinda...pretended to be straight. I think I was also hiding a little bit from myself um...but yeah I’ve kissed a few girls. Never did anything for me though.” Grizz explained, biting his bottom lip.

 

“I get it. My parents I think always knew I was gay so it wasn’t a big shock to them when I came out. I mean what kid demands to watch only movies with hot men as the lead but then insist at not having the hot girl posters from the movies but the hot men?” Sam laughed and Grizz’s hesitant face turned into a lopsided smile. 

 

“I bet your room looks like a teenage girls.”

 

“Oh yeah for sure. One Direction at least once every 5 feet.” Sam grinned.

 

“Okay but who was your favorite?”

 

“Harry for sure. I always thought he had that secret confidence and swagger. Plus I guess I have a thing for guys with longer hair? Who knew right?” Sam smirked and enjoyed the way he could see a slight blush form across Grizz’s face. 

 

“My favorite was Niall. I kinda understood him. The awkward one at first but then he grew up to be super hot.” Grizz eyes sparkled in the moonlight. 

 

“Grizz Visser are you calling yourself hot?” Sam mused, cocking his head.

 

“All relative I suppose.” Grizz ducked his head and Sam smiled softly. He leaned over and put his fingers under Grizz’s chin, moving his head up so he could see his beautiful eyes. 

 

“It’s an accurate statement.” He leaned forward and planted a soft, sweet kiss on Grizz’s lips. He could taste the vodka on them and it reminded him that they were still playing a game. “I believe it’s your turn to make me drink.”

 

“Never have I ever kissed a boy taller than me.” Grizz said wickedly and Sam laughed.

 

“Only because you’re a giant.” He took another shot and was starting to relish the burn and the way it left licks of flames down his throat. If he wasn’t careful he would have to start to really focus to understand Grizz. “Never have I ever gotten a hand job in a stable.”

 

“Okay is the point of this game to call each other out?” Grizz frowned but it didn’t last long and he smiled, taking another drink. 

 

“No, no, you’re right. Let’s start asking more broad questions so we can get to know each other better.” Sam shook his head before nodding. 

 

“Never have I ever had a boyfriend.” Grizz blurted out and Sam didn’t bring his cup to his lips and neither did Grizz. “Wait, you’ve never had a boyfriend either?”

 

“Nah, I was always either too picky or too busy. Training takes a lot of time and effort and most of the gay guys I’ve encountered have been too stuck in heteronormative ways and were too nervous to become a couple or they were just not my type.” Sam shrugged.

 

Grizz’s face fell and Sam’s eyebrows pushed together. “What?” He asked when Grizz didn’t speak.

 

“I uh...I think I may fit into that first category.” He said, barely moving his lips and Sam had to zero in on his mouth to understand.

 

He was silent for a moment. “Why?” He asked and Grizz’s eyes flicked up to his and then he leaned back at little, obviously uncomfortable.

 

“I don’t come from a great home life. My dad is seriously homophobic and he pays for college so…” Grizz trailed off.

 

“So you...don’t want people to know?”

 

Grizz paused and then shook his head slowly. 

 

“Oh.” Sam said simply, straightening up, face falling. 

 

“It’s different here though. I didn’t grow up with any of these people and I’m pretty sure no one would know my parents.” Grizz explained. “I just...haven’t come out to them because I didn’t think it was necessary.”

 

Sam processed the words for a long while. “But...what about now?” He asked hesitantly.

 

Grizz gnawed at his lip for a moment. “I won’t deny it if they ask but I’m not going to announce it to the entire camp.”

 

“Yeah I get that. That’s kind of where I’m at. They already know I’m deaf so why do they need to know I like guys too?” He reached out and took Grizz’s hand. “I don’t mind. But don’t hide me okay? That’s all I ask.”

 

Grizz squeezed back. “Bitch who could hide you? You practically glow.” 

 

“Is that a gay joke?” Sam smirked.

 

“Nope.” Grizz shook his head and Sam felt his heart pound a little harder. “It’s the truth.”

 

Sam opened his mouth to make another joke but then closed it. It seemed Grizz had rendered him speechless. And then Grizz was leaning forward this time and his mouth was on Sam’s. He felt right against his lips and Sam eased in. Their kisses were getting sloppy now, tongues clashing. He could feel his heart beating faster and his breath hitching everytime Grizz pulled his lip between his teeth, bringing him closer. 

 

When they finally broke apart, Grizz’s hair was a mess and Sam was sure his looked similar. But he didn’t really care. He was too dazed to do anything about it, the alcohol definitely not helping things.

 

“Never have I ever been skinny dipping.” He blurted out and Grizz’s blown eyes took a dark turn.

 

He watched as Grizz downed his drink. “You better drink up because you’re about to.”

 

A dangerous look curled onto his face. He finished the rest of his drink before Grizz hauled him up with such force that he practically slammed into Grizz’s hard body like some damsel in a romance novel. Grizz grabbed his wrists and yanked him in for another heart pounding kiss. He struggled against Grizz’s grip but couldn’t break away to wrap his arms around the boy’s body.

 

“How am I supposed to undress if you’re holding me like this?” Sam asked breathlessly.

 

Grizz’s gaze bored into him before he let him go gently and took a step back towards the water. A half smile appeared on his face. “If you don’t hurry you’re gonna be left behind.” Grizz said as he pulled his shirt over his head followed quickly by his shoes and socks. 

 

Sam’s stare broke as he quickly scrambled forward, pulling off his clothes as fast as he could while Grizz was already getting into the water. Sam was pretty sure he drooled at the mere sight of Grizz’s bare ass. He splashed into the water after Grizz, laughing maniacally. 

 

He stumbled and fell into Grizz as he got closer and the boy caught him easily. “Whoops.” He giggled, the alcohol starting to make everything nice and fuzzy.

 

They were deep enough that Sam was chest high and Grizz was just a few inches higher than that. He let himself be drawn into Grizz’s chest and he jumped up a bit to wrap his legs around Grizz’s waist. Grizz held him easily, the water taking most of his weight and Grizz moved a bit deeper.

 

Sam didn’t care what he did, he just wanted to stare into Grizz’s eyes forever. He reached up to brush Grizz’s hair off his face.

 

“You know when you do that stupid ponytail you look really hot.” Sam murmured and he felt Grizz’s rumble of a laugh and it was intoxicating. 

 

“I think you look so hot when you’re shooting with your bow. Like a sexy modern Robin Hood.” Grizz mused and it was Sam’s turn to laugh.

 

“Is that why you hung around trying to get me to teach you how to shoot? You were just fulfilling some fantasy?”

 

Grizz shifted Sam and he gasped at the drag of his cock against Grizz’s torso. Grizz froze for a moment before doing it again and Sam narrowed his eyes. “Woah woah, not cool.” He said but couldn’t keep a straight face when Grizz did it again.

 

“What you,” Grizz did it again. “Don’t,” He did it again harder. “Like this?”

 

Sam’s heart was starting to pound again. Grizz shifted Sam’s weight into one arm while bringing his other hand down to grasp Sam’s quickly hardening cock. “Grizz..” Sam whimpered, eyes hooded. He felt the boy’s large hand start to move up and down so slowly it was killing him. “Grizz please.” He begged, head falling forward into the crook of his shoulder. He kissed the junction of where Grizz’s neck and shoulder met before lightly scraping his teeth and he felt Grizz’s moan.

 

His breath caught in his throat as Grizz started to move faster. He supposed he deserved this after making Grizz come earlier without much warning.

 

His eyes scrunched closed and he bit Grizz harder and he felt the boy cry out against his throat.

 

Oh yes, he definitely deserved this.

 

His nails were biting into where he clung to Grizz. 

 

“Please please please please.” He felt himself chant, not even able to continue biting Grizz as he felt himself careen towards the edge. He felt Grizz rumble against his skin again. Water was splashing against him but he didn’t care. All he felt was Grizz’s hand against his cock. He dug into Grizz’s skin harder until he couldn’t hold it in anymore and he exploded, letting out a noise that he wasn’t even sure what it was. 

 

His body spasmed against Grizz’s grip and he clung tight to the boy until there was no more left. He stayed there for a long while, Grizz holding him until he felt his energy come back enough to lift his head. 

 

“I think I left a hickey on you.” He murmured and Grizz rumble laughed again.

 

“Uh, you think? Might have to start wearing garlic because you’re definitely a vampire.”

 

“Do you not like it?” Sam asked hesitantly.

 

“Definitely helped me come.” Grizz said awkwardly and Sam burst into laughter.

 

“Oh my god we are so fucking lame. Making each other come without even touching.”

 

“In my defense your ass was definitely against my dick.” Grizz stuck out his tongue.

 

“Alright I guess I’m just the lame one.” 

 

Grizz gave him a long, lingering kiss. “You coming just by watching me come is so fucking hot.” He said with an intense stare that sent shivers through his body. Before he wasn’t sure if he wanted to fuck Grizz or if he wanted Grizz to fuck him. They had time to try both but after seeing the look Grizz just gave him he most definitely wanted Grizz to fuck him in the very near future.

 

“Never have I ever gotten a handjob at summer camp.” Sam murmured.

 

“We’d both have to drink to that one wouldn’t we?” Grizz smirked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahahahhaha two smut chapters in 24 hours? Have the gods forsaken me? Nah they're proud as fuck. Obviously this was for my own benefit because skinny dipping is like a hallowed summer camp ritual right? Especially if ur getting a handjob I mean whaaaaaat???? More serious chapters coming soon....maybe? Idk I think I might just live in this bubble for a while.


	10. died in your arms tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke asks Grizz about him and Sam. Grizz falls hard.

Grizz was pretty sure he had died and gone to heaven. How else could you explain the pure elated feeling that had surrounded him like a halo for the past week? 

 

Surely his body was in a ditch somewhere and he didn’t quite realize he had died and was now living the life he had wished for so long. 

 

When Grizz thought about a guy coming into his life in the quiet hours of nighttime before he drifted off, he thought of someone like Sam.

 

Someone stunning, confident, witty, charming. Someone to keep him on his toes but also bring him back down to earth. 

 

When he looked at Sam across the room during meals when they separated to be with their other friends, sometimes his breath caught in his chest. Sam’s smile even when it wasn’t directed at him made him glow in the fact that Sam was happy and laughing.

 

If he was watching himself from the outside he was pretty sure he would have gagged at the mere sight of his heart eyes. Someone couldn’t make another _that_ happy could they?

 

But then Sam turned his piercing blue eyes on him and he knew that someone could.

 

“What’s with you and Sam?” Luke interrupted him as Grizz was making eye contact with Sam, signing across the room to him. Sam had continued to teach Grizz ASL though it had become significantly slower since they now got distracted in each other. Especially when Sam reached out to fix Grizz’s hands and even the slight brush of his fingers against his own made him wild.

 

“What?” He turned his head to Luke and frowned. 

 

Luke nodded towards Sam who was now talking to Kelly across the table, their eye contact broken. “You heard me, what’s with you and Sam?”

 

Grizz cleared his throat and sat up straighter, fiddling with his chips left on his plate. “What do you mean?”

 

“You guys have gotten awfully close since the start of camp. I hardly ever see you around anymore except during mealtimes, and even then I usually miss you for dinner since you’re with Sam doing archery.” Luke said a little sadly.

 

Grizz felt guilty. He and Luke had been friends since they both met at the same camp when they were 12. It was Grizz’s second summer and Luke’s first and they had become close practically overnight. Luke lived only an hour away from him growing up so they got to see each other during the rest of the year sometimes and they always got an invite to each other’s birthday parties. They continued to keep in touch after leaving for college and started working together at West Ham Summer Camp as soon as they could.

 

This was the first summer that Grizz had been neglecting Luke because it was the first summer that he wasn’t third or fifth wheeling it because this was the first summer that he had someone he was interested in and they were interested in him. 

 

He hesitated in answering Luke though, no matter how close they were. 

 

Luke saw the struggle in his face. “You know you can tell me anything right? I’m not some snitch that’s going to trade your secrets for coke or something stupid like that.”

 

Grizz sputtered out a laugh before shaking his head. “I know you wouldn’t do that. It’s just…” He trailed off and Luke looked between him and Sam once more.

 

“You like him don’t you?” Luke asked, his voice level dropping so others around them wouldn’t hear.

 

Grizz went ramrod straight, eyes slightly widening. “No it’s uh--” He started before Luke interrupted him.

 

“Dude, I know okay.”

 

“You know what?” 

 

“That you’re into guys.” Luke shrugged and took a chip from Grizz’s plate.

 

“What?” Grizz was starting to sound like a scratched record.

 

“The fact that you never took up any of the girls offer to go skinny dipping together when we were 15 pretty much sealed the deal.” Luke smirked and Grizz could physically feel the blush creep onto his face. “I don’t care dude. You’re still my best friend. You could be in love with a tree and I wouldn’t care.”

 

Grizz suddenly felt a weight lift off of him that he seemed to have forgotten was holding him down. “You mean it?” He asked quietly and Luke’s face softened.

 

“Of course.” Luke said with conviction. “Now tell me the truth, what’s up with you and Sam?”

 

Grizz ducked his head suddenly feeling like he was back in high school and talking about his first crush. “We uh...we’ve kissed and uh...other things.”

 

“So you banged. Cool.”

 

Grizz’s head shot up, eyes wide again. “No have haven’t banged.” He looked around, still nervous. “We haven’t done that.”

 

“Yet.” Luke added, grinning.

 

Grizz rolled his eyes. “You’re as bad as Becca.”

 

“Wait hold up. You told _Becca_ before you told me? What the fuck dude?” Luke whacked him in the chest and Grizz let out a little groan at the sudden sting.

 

“Dude!” 

 

“Don’t _dude_ me! You told a girl before you told me? That’s fucked up.”

 

“Okay but like in my defense I didn’t know that you would be...cool about it.” Grizz said awkwardly.

 

Luke studied him for a moment. “Did you really think that little of me?” He asked, in a softer, sadder tone. Grizz felt the guilt creep back in.

 

“You know how my parents are man. I can’t just broadcast to the world that I like dudes and expect no consequences.” Grizz muttered and shrugged sadly.

 

“Your dad is a dick.” Luke said fiercely and then looked back at Sam before back at Grizz. “I’ve never seen you like you’ve been these last few weeks when you’re with him. If that’s not love then I’m not sure what is. Fuck your dad, you be happy.”

 

Grizz was silent as he looked over at Sam. The word _love_ pounded in his head. It was much too early for that right?

 

He looked back at Luke. “He pays the tuition.” 

 

Luke was silent. 

 

“Besides, this is just for the summer right?” Grizz said a little louder, plastering a smile on his face and sucking in a breath. “We don’t have to worry about that for a while.”

 

Luke watched him, not looking convinced. 

 

Grizz desperately needed to believe that.

 

It was raining and that meant cancelled horse rides and archery so Gwen decided to go hang out with Kelly in the nurses station and left Grizz and Sam to their own devices.

 

Grizz always liked the smell of barns when it was raining. The sweet smell of damp hay and the soft whicker of horses shifting in their stalls. If he could bottle the atmosphere he would constantly live inside it.

 

“What were you and Luke discussing at lunch?” Sam interrupted his search on his laptop. He had decided to take this time to order more supplies. Sam was sitting on the opposite desk, legs swinging. He looked up.

 

“Oh he was actually asking about me and you.” He said a little shyly and Sam’s face suddenly become more interested.

 

“Oh yeah? What did you tell him?”

 

“Well didn’t tell so much as confirm his suspicions.” 

 

Sam’s eyebrows rose. “You mean you told him that you and me are--”

 

“Basically together? Yeah.” Grizz leaned back in his rickety old desk chair and crossed his arms.

 

Sam’s mouth twitched, holding back a smile. “Look at you being so confident. It looked like you were about to throw up your chips back there.”

 

Grizz frowned. Sam, it seemed, had seen right through him. Sam grinned and Grizz leaned forward, going back to what he was doing on his computer.

 

“Don’t be like that.” Sam chuckled.

 

Grizz merely looked up at him with only his eyes before going back to his screen. He didn’t react when he heard Sam get off the desk. It was only when Sam pushed his laptop screen closed that he paid attention. 

 

“I was working on something.” He said simply but when he saw the look in Sam’s eyes he wasn’t about to protest to hard.

 

“I said, don’t be like that.”

 

And then Sam put both his hands on either side of the chair and pushed Grizz back away from the desk before straddling him gracefully. Grizz’s hands instantly went to Sam’s hips, mostly to steady him.

 

“You know this chair is older than either of us right?”

 

“You know I don’t care right?” Sam grinned before lowering his head to place a kiss on Grizz and Grizz of course, let him. Sam sparked something in him every time they came together and it was a feeling he seemed to constantly be chasing. 

 

His breath caught when Sam’s hips rocked forward, grinding into him slowly. He broke off the kiss only to sign ‘devil’ with one hand. Sam grinned even harder, eyes sparkling and soon his lips were back against Grizz’s once more.

 

He let his hands roam around to Sam’s ass as the other boy continued to rock and grind into him. He could feel Sam’s arousal against his own but he didn’t really want to come in his pants again. But then Sam twisted his fingers through Grizz’s hair and tugged gently and he felt it go straight to his cock. He let out a groan and he knew Sam could feel considering they were very nearly chest to chest at this point. He leaned his head back when Sam did it again but harder, eyes fluttering closed.

 

“Oh fuck Sam…” He whimpered, digging his fingers into Sam’s very nice ass. He heard Sam’s evil snicker and he did it again, Grizz hissing this time.

 

He never wanted it to stop.

 

He leaned back farther still and then he felt his stomach drop as the chair started to slip under him and his eyes flew open, attempting to catch himself and Sam but it was too late. 

 

“Oh shit--” He said and then he was on the floor, Sam toppling on top of him. He winced at the pain shooting up from his elbow and back. He was definitely going to bruise. He looked at Sam. “You okay?” They were still mostly in a sitting position, the chair’s wheels on their sides. 

 

All he heard from Sam was a muffled sound that he thought was crying. His heart thudded in panic. “Sam?” He asked again, shaking the boy who rolled onto his back and Grizz rolled his eyes when he realized Sam was dying laughing to a point that he was silent. “Wow way to give me a heart attack.” He pursed his lips.

 

“I’m-I’m sorry it’s just _wow_ didn’t think I could _actually_ make you fall for me.” Sam got out through his laughs and it made Grizz start laughing as well.

 

“That was so fucking lame.” He eventually got out and he crawled toward Sam, elbow still dully throbbing. He straddled the boy this time and Sam looked up at him with those blue blue eyes.

 

“It was fucking funny, don’t even lie.”

 

“If you were going for corny dad joke then yes, it was fucking funny.” Grizz mused with an amused smile.

 

“I am working on my dad bod.” Sam grinned and Grizz looked down before running his hand down Sam’s chest and torso before working his fingers under the shirt and running it them again across the smooth muscled skin.

 

“You’re going to need a lot more Oreos if you’re trying to achieve that.” He murmured and Sam laughed, stomach bouncing against Grizz’s hand and he found himself becoming enraptured with Sam’s freckled skin. Not nearly as many freckles as his shoulders but a good smattering. He pushed up Sam’s shirt more and he began to kiss each freckle he came in contact with. Sam went tense at Grizz’s ministrations.

 

He liked the way Sam gasped as he moved his way down his torso to send at his shorts. He looked up through hooded eyes, mostly as a confirmation to continue. Sam nodded and he pulled down the basketball shorts but left his underwear. There was a wet spot beginning to grow as he saw just how hard Sam was for him. Grizz felt his own arousal grow.

 

“Grizz…” Sam started and he looked up again through hooded eyes.

 

“Yes Sam?” He signed.

 

“Please.” Sam signed back.

 

“Please what?”

 

“Touch me.” He breathed out and Grizz felt a jolt run through him. He turned his attention once more to Sam’s cock and he slowly lowered Sam’s underwear. 

 

Grizz shifted his body so that he was able to easily lick his way from the bottom of Sam’s cock all the way to the very tip of his head. Sam gasped loudly, back arching up from the hard floor. Grizz moved his tongue and lips oh so slowly, wanting Sam to be begging him to come. It didn’t take much. Just a swirl of a tongue here and a firm suck of his lips there. Sam’s entire body was twitching and shaking and his skin was blushing madly. 

 

“Fuck.” Sam breathed out when he sucked harder, hips thrusting up into his mouth and his throat spasmed, not ready. He pulled off with a cough but then he was back to it, wanting Sam to feel the highest of pleasure. 

 

“I’m-I’m not--Grizz--Fuck, Grizz I’m so--” Sam babbled, face red. It spurned Grizz on, his hand stroking the part of Sam he couldn’t fit into his mouth. Sam’s head fell back as his entire body seized and Grizz felt the salty taste of Sam spurt into his mouth. He reached down to palm himself through his jeans, cock painfully hard.

 

When Sam stopped twitching and moaning he pulled on Grizz’s arm and he crawled up Sam’s body, letting himself be pulled into a kiss. Sam lowered his hand and worked Grizz’s fly open after a few lazy kisses and his breath hitched harshly as Sam’s hand found Grizz’s cock. He gave Grizz a few strokes before releasing him and Grizz grumbled at the loss of contact. 

 

But then Sam pushed him onto his back and he jerked at the sudden hardness of concrete against his sore back. He quickly forgot about it because Sam was moving down his body and yanking his jeans and underwear lower and then his hot mouth was on him. 

 

He keened loudly, the feel of Sam’s tongue swirling around the head of his cock after being mostly untouched through Sam’s falling apart was almost too much for Grizz. He knew he wasn’t going to last long after the show he had just witnessed. 

 

Sam it seemed was trying to set a new record for how long he could tease Grizz. As soon as he felt himself careening towards the edge, Sam would slow his pace, moving to his balls or sucking a hickey into his hip. And then he’d be back at it, the sensation that much more intense. He felt like he was being tortured in only the best way.

 

“Please Sam, let me-” He said as Sam made eye contact with him through eyelashes that were sinful at best. Sam sucked him hard and he moaned, eyes fluttering closed and hips arching off the ground. “Let me come please.” He begged and Sam’s expression was nothing short of devious. 

 

Now he was at the edge of the cliff and one final swirl of the tongue and stroke of the shaft did it and Grizz gladly jumped into the freefall. He heard himself yell Sam’s name as he panted and jerked in Sam’s grasp, the boy stroking him through it. 

 

He collapsed back to earth and Sam crawled up to snuggle against him, kissing his neck softly before nuzzling into the crook of his shoulder. They were silent for a long while, Grizz taking in the sounds of the stable around him and Sam’s slowing breaths. 

 

Yeah he had definitely died because this was his exact wish for heaven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome one, welcome all to the sin bubble please enjoy your stay.
> 
> Let me know your thoughts and feels because this bubble may or may not be bursting here in the coming chapters because I'm a glutton for the Drama


	11. jane austen who?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grizz has a little surprise for Sam and Sam's entirely too impatient for this.

In the past few weeks, Sam had done more physically than in his entire lifetime. Sure he had been on dates and attempted the whole Grindr thing but nothing ever seemed to work out and he was always back at his apartment getting himself off. Figures it would take moving to a summer camp to have him get some actual action.

 

He was seriously so cliche.

 

But he didn’t really care if he was being honest. Grizz made it worth his while for sure and he had figured out a few things about himself in the meantime.

 

Like how he had a weakness for lip biting. Or how he seemed to perfect the “bedroom eyes” that everyone talked about in movies or in books. Or even that he was very pushy and liked to take charge. Well...he always knew he liked to take charge, this just cemented it into place.

 

He and Grizz had spent more time together than they had apart and he was thinking the rest of the counselors were starting to notice.

 

“Hey Sam, are you and Grizz always going to be missing dinner?” Will had asked him one day in their cabin while they were getting ready for bed.

 

Sam looked over at Grizz who was leaning against the bed frame talking to Luke before looking back to Will and shrugging. “I’ve been teaching him archery after all the campers go to dinner, but if it’s a problem we can stop.”

 

“Oh no it’s no problem, I was just wondering. Makes it easier on the rest of the helpers if we know ahead of time.”

 

“Oh okay cool then. I guess one of us can let you know if we’re actually coming for dinner or not then.”

 

Will leaned against his own bedframe and crossed his arms. “I know it’s none of my business but Allie and I were talking about you guys. We haven’t seen Grizz get so close to someone new like ever. Did you guys know each other before?”

 

Sam couldn’t help the little smile that appeared on his face and he shook his head. “No, we didn’t meet until I fell onto all his feed bags in the storeroom trying to get the boxes of archery equipment out.” Grizz hadn’t ever gotten close to anyone this quick except him? He figured the fact that they were both gay and very much into each other helped.

 

“That’s one way to make an entrance.” Will smirked before moving toward his side of the cabin and Grizz switched places. He gave Sam a weird expression, looking back at Will.

 

“What did he have to say?” Grizz asked as he pulled off his shirt to sleep in. Sam’s eyes automatically went down the defined torso before landing back on Grizz’s eyes.

 

“He was wondering if we were always going to miss dinner. I said yeah if that’s cool which it is.” He shrugged, assuming that Grizz would think the same.

 

Grizz nodded and Sam moved towards the ladder to get up to his bunk. Grizz reached out to grab his arm and he turned in the boy’s grasp, looking at him expectantly. 

 

“Tomorrow night let’s stay in the loft.” Grizz said and it took a second for Sam to understand the words because Grizz’s mouth was hardly moving in a way people did when they were trying to whisper. He looked up at Grizz’s gaze once more and he gave him a confused expression but a slow nod.

 

“Okay….” He trailed off and Grizz’s face revealed nothing. It seemed the boy had something in store for them both and he couldn’t help the thrill that passed through him. 

 

The next day went by so torturously slow that it made him want to scream. Every time he saw Grizz pass by the archery area with a group of campers on horses he couldn’t help but stop and follow him with his eyes. Grizz didn’t help one bit by giving him a knowing smirk every time. By the time dinner rolled around and Grizz walked down to meet up with Sam he was practically bursting at the seams.

 

Before Grizz could even open his mouth in greeting Sam grabbed him by his shirt and pushed him up against a pole of the awning, making it shake a little.

 

“You! You have been torturing me all day what the hell?” He seethed and Grizz’s surprised expression turned into one of satisfied amusement. 

 

“I don’t know what you mean.” 

 

Sam growled and yanked Grizz down for a searing kiss, no amount of holding back or softness to it. Grizz didn’t take long to kiss him back before Sam pulled back, hands still fisted in Grizz’s shirt. Grizz had a dazed look in his eyes and Sam would be lying if he said that he wasn’t breathing hard. 

 

“Well that was certainly a hello.” Grizz grinned and Sam whacked him on the chest. “Ow!”

 

“Oh please that didn’t hurt. I’m just annoyed that you didn’t even _bother_ to try and jump me during our lunch break.” Sam said, his expression starting out angry but then relaxing into more of a flirty look.

 

“My bad, I’ll be sure to drag you into a pole next time I see you.” Grizz grinned as his hands found purchase against Sam’s hips and suddenly Sam wasn’t angry at all anymore. Figured he would fall apart by just a simple touch. 

 

“So do I have to wait till after dinner to figure out why you want us to stay in the loft?” He asked with an arched eyebrow. 

 

Grizz kept his same grin and nodded. “Nothing like some good old fashion torture right?”

 

Sam narrowed his eyes and stepped back away from Grizz, secretly hating the way he already missed the contact. “You are evil you know that?”

 

The boy shrugged and pushed off of the pole. “Good things come to those who wait.”

 

“I hope it’s us fucking because otherwise I might push you off the loft.” Sam grumbled to himself and Grizz stumbled a little bit but regained his footing. Sam didn’t comment on it but it suddenly got him thinking that he landed right on the money.

 

Dinner was more torture than waiting the entire day because now he knew what could be in store for him. Of course he had been thinking that the entire time but seeing Grizz’s reaction cemented it into place.

 

“Sam?” Becca poked him in the side and he turned to look at the girl, tearing his eyes away from Grizz who conveniently went to sit with Jason and Clark and was licking his fingers all too seductively. 

 

“Hm? Yeah?” He signed and Becca gave him a knowing smile.

 

“Oh my god you are in so deep right now.”

 

He narrowed his eyes again. “Shut up.”

 

Becca’s face morphed into a shit eating grin. “Should I consider myself maid of honor or what?”

 

“Bitch you knew you were maid of honor when you first wormed your way into my life.” Sam teased and Becca laughed.

 

“Emphasis on worm, right?”

 

“Only you could pick out the quiet shy kid and make him your personal pet project.” Sam smirked at her.

 

“And look at you now. A fully realized adult with humor and a boyfriend. Oh how time flies.” 

 

“I always had humor, it’s just no one appreciated it.” Sam huffed and Becca patted his hand on the table.

 

“I appreciate you.” She said with an almost fake sweet smile. Sam just rolled his eyes and looked back over at Grizz. He nearly jumped up when he saw Grizz rising and bringing his plate over to the trash.

 

“I gotta go.” He said quickly and Becca kept her same shit eating smile. 

 

“Go get him tiger.” And then proceeded to slap his ass. He jumped at that and stuck out his tongue at her and made his way over to where Grizz was.

 

“Certainly eager aren’t we?” Grizz muttered to him as he scraped off his food.

 

“Well someone left me hanging didn’t they?” He muttered back as he left his plate in the tub. Grizz had a lopsided smirk as he did the same and without saying anything to Sam, turned on the ball of his foot and walked out the door, not even bothering to check if Sam was following. 

 

He was of course.

 

It wasn’t far back to the stables but the sun was starting to set and he nearly tripped over three different objects before Grizz stopped and reached out and took his hand.

 

“This is me trying to be all Jane Austen and you’re falling over shit. Jesus Christ.” Grizz shook his head and Sam snorted.

 

“I think this is significantly more rated R than Jane Austen. We would have already given her a heart attack. The hands _alone_ Grizz. _The hands_.” Sam chuckled and Grizz let out his own snort and stopped suddenly and grabbed Sam’s face with his hands and brought his own face down and kissed him hard. Sam let out a muffled sound, surprised at the sudden onslaught of Grizz’s lips but he soon melted into the kiss and when Grizz pulled back he swayed a little on his feet. “What was that for?”

 

“For fucking getting me all hot and bothered about Jane Austen.” Grizz muttered and Sam’s face morphed into a lazy smile.

 

“You nerd.”

 

“Shut up.” 

 

And then Grizz was pulling him toward the stables once more. Sam wrapped his arm around Grizz’s waist as they walked side by side until they got into the building. The horses were all in their stalls and Sam let his grip on Grizz go, looking up at him expectantly. 

 

“Alright we’re here. We about to get down and dirty in the hay like farmers?” He grinned and Grizz rolled his eyes and started up the ladder to the loft that Sam had never bothered to explore. Grizz looked down at him from the top and motioned for him to join. Sam let out a huff and began to climb. As his eyes got over the top they widened and he looked up at Grizz. “You really are a nerd.”

 

There was no hay except pushed to the corner and Grizz had a mattress laid out with blankets and a basket of what looked like all sorts of desserts and a bottle of wine. 

 

“Do you like it?” Grizz asked, a little nervous look on his face. Sam finished climbing and sat down on the mattress and leaned over to press a soft kiss to the boy’s lips.

 

“Love it.” He said as he pressed his forehead to Grizz before leaning back. Grizz poured them both a glass of wine and brought out some of the cookies and brownies. Sam grabbed one of each and sipped his wine. “What made you decide to do this?”

 

“Well tomorrow all the kids will be working on their skits and they won’t have free choice so I figured we might as well take advantage of the fact that they won’t be in our hair.” Grizz shrugged and Sam grinned. Figures Grizz would think so clinically about this.

 

“I mean what made you decide to do this for _me_?”

 

“Oh.” Grizz blushed as he took an embarrassed sip of wine. “Well you know, I wanted to do something special for you just because.”

 

“Just because huh?” Sam gave him a knowing smirk that he was sure he had copied from Becca.

 

“Yeah, shut up.” 

 

“I like it. It was really thoughtful.” He reached out and took Grizz’s hand, giving it a squeeze. Grizz ducked his head but squeezed back.

 

The two of them talked and enjoyed the wine and desserts until Grizz had to turn on the lantern so Sam could see Grizz’s lips and sporadic ASL. He started to feel the tension growing between them and he nibbled on his lip. Grizz seemed to notice.

 

“What?” Grizz signed. 

 

“I know I made all those sex jokes earlier but...well...I dunno I mean I don’t want to rush you....” He said, trailing off. Before he could get too nervous Grizz was pushing him back on the mattress rougher than he would have anticipated. He let out a little gasp of surprise when Grizz was hovering over him.

 

“No rushing necessary.” Grizz said and Sam couldn’t help the shiver that ran down his spine at the dark look in Grizz’s eyes. And then Grizz’s lips were on his and he arched up his body to feel more, hands wrapping themselves around Grizz’s back and pulling him on top of him. He let out a groat at Grizz’s weight, relishing the feel of it. He rolled his hips and he felt Grizz’s hot breath against his neck as the boy moved to kiss at his skin. He was glad he wasn’t using his teeth but even lips alone were enough to get him hot.

 

He could feel his erection begin, straining at his pants and he rolled his hips again, loving the friction. His fingers worked their way under Grizz’s shirt and he let his nails rake tails down the boy’s back. That got him a harsh bite against his collarbone and he cried out, digging his nails in where they were.

 

“Fuck Grizz.” He whimpered as the boy trailed his hand down Sam’s torso and came to rest on his pants button and zipper, getting both out of the way with such ease that if Sam wasn’t preoccupied he would be impressed. 

 

He let Grizz take off his shirt and jeans without much preamble and he did the same for Grizz. Sam watched as Grizz reached into the basket and pulled out lube and condoms and he gave the boy a confused look.

 

“Did you just happen to have those around?”

 

“Remember when I went into town to pick up some feed?” Grizz arched an eyebrow and Sam’s eyes flashed with both amusement and desire.

 

“Naughty, naughty boy.”

 

Grizz just shrugged. “Gotta do what you gotta do right?”

 

“Come here.” Sam laughed and brought Grizz back to his lips as he snuck his fingers under the waistband of Grizz’s underwear. He loved how Grizz pulled back with Sam’s lip between his teeth in retaliation and he couldn’t stop the moan that escaped his lips. Or the gasp when Grizz removed his underwear and placed his mouth on his cock. He couldn’t stop the buck of his hips at the lack of warning but damn did it feel so good.

 

As Grizz’s mouth was on his cock, his magic fingers were starting to work him open and boy were they magic. He was sure that if anyone was in the loft they would hear his pornographic noises and that was just from Grizz starting to loosen him up. He bit his lip hard, head falling back on the pillow as he arched up into the touch. He scrambled at Grizz’s forearms. 

 

“Stop, stop I need you. I’m gonna come if you don’t watch it.” He pleaded. He had to admit this was exactly how he had pictured this night going ever since Grizz had mouthed those words to him last night. He felt Grizz’s huff of laughter against his heated skin and he whined at the loss of contact as Grizz moved back and grabbed a condom, rolling it onto his very hard cock. 

 

Sam wiggled his hips in anticipation and let out a little surprised gasp when Grizz yanked him closer, loving the thrill of it. He had always been one to take charge and take the lead but he was finding that he liked being dominated almost as much as he liked to be the one dominating. 

 

Grizz held his cock in his hand as he pushed inside Sam slowly and Sam had to close his eyes and force himself to relax at the sudden intrusion. Grizz was rubbing circles into his hip with his thumb, attempting to distract him. He nodded when he finally adjusted to Grizz and the boy moved his hips slowly. Sam felt it all and he let out a shaky breath, gripping Grizz’s arms tight and biting his lip.

 

Soon Grizz picked up the pace and Sam threw his head back, sounds practically pouring out of him but he had no idea what, he just knew he had to let them out. 

 

His entire body jolted with pleasure when Grizz suddenly changed the angle and he saw shooting stars and sparks as he felt Grizz brush up against his prostate. “”Oh fuck, right there, please please please.” He babbled and Grizz followed orders. 

 

Sam was able to open his eyes for a moment, watching Grizz pound into him and he looked like a primordial god. His chest was heaving and glistening from the exertion and all Sam wanted to do was kiss him hard. He reached up and brought Grizz’s mouth to his and wrapped his arms around the back of his neck and kissed him so hard he thought he might bruise his lips but he didn’t care. He was feeling entirely too much at the moment to care.

 

Grizz broke the kiss and brought Sam’s knees up under Grizz’s armpits and Sam let himself wrap his legs around his torso. The angle was delicious and he felt himself speeding towards the freefall.

 

“Grizz,” He reached out, scrambling with his arms. “Grizz I’m close fuck please I’m so close.” He whined and Grizz reached down to wrap his hand around Sam’s cock. Two strokes was all it took until he was spurting over himself and falling off the edge. He let out a loud moan that sounded like Grizz’s name. 

 

Grizz wasn’t far behind and Sam felt the boy go rigid and jerk into his body, head thrown back before he essentially collapsed on top of Sam. They were both breathing hard and were effectively boneless.

 

Sam didn’t know how much time had passed before Grizz rolled off and reached for a washcloth, also in the basket. It seemed the boy had thought of everything. He cleaned Sam off, leaving a trail of peppered kisses along Sam’s jawline and he hummed sleepily. Grizz curled up next to Sam after he cleaned himself off and Sam left himself be maneuvered to a spooning position, Grizz’s head in the crook of his shoulder as he nuzzled behind his ear.

 

Sam shifted for a moment so he could see Grizz’s face. “Good?” He asked and Grizz nodded, eyes closed.

 

“So good.” He murmured and Sam’s face morphed into a soft smile and he settled back against Grizz, the boy’s arm slung over his chest, pulling him close. 

 

He had gotten his heartbeat under control and he let his eyes close, letting himself fall back into the arms of sleep while the arms of the boy he liked were keeping him close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet you thought you'd seen the last of me huh?
> 
> You know for someone who has the summers off, my summer has been entirely too busy like what the fuck people stop visiting me I have fanfiction to write ja feel? Sorry for the wait but hopefully this chapter made it worth it :D


	12. i'm sorry i'm trying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grizz has thoughts about the night before

He should be ecstatic.

 

He should be screaming things from the heavens. 

 

He should be kissing the boy in his arms awake, soft, languid kisses that go along with lazy mornings.

 

He should be doing all of those things, but he isn’t.

 

He can’t.

 

Instead, he stared up at the stable ceiling, watching the dust motes in the air as the rays of sunlight filter through, reminding him of not too long ago when he was so thrilled that Sam had kissed him.

 

Now all he felt was regret and shame.

 

He almost can’t stand the touch of Sam curled up next to him, soft breaths against his bare skin, but he knew that if he moved he would wake up Sam and he would have to pretend when all he wanted to do was bolt from the stables. Take one of the horses and just run until he couldn’t anymore.

 

The only thing he hears in his head is his dad’s booming voice about how _unholy_ all of this ways and how _disgusting_ gay men are. 

 

He shut his eyes tight, attempting not cry or scream out in panic. 

 

He had been doing so well. He hadn’t heard his dad’s voice once since looking into Sam’s eyes, but now it was all he could think about. 

 

He rushed it. He knew that now.

 

He was just so desperate to feel Sam against his skin again that he ruined it. 

 

What had been nothing but quiet was now chaos and he suddenly couldn’t stand it anymore.

 

He shifted slowly out from under Sam’s arm that was slung across his chest and he watched the sleeping boy the entire time, making sure he wasn’t waking him up. Finally he was free and he felt a little bit of that weight lift off of him. He found his clothes and slid them on quickly before climbing down the ladder. 

 

He slipped his earbuds into his ears and let the music drown out his thoughts, going about his morning mechanically. First letting the horses out into the pasture, then getting a shovel and mucking the stalls. He didn’t dare look up at Sam once, knowing that the shame of what he had done would color his cheeks red.

 

Grizz didn’t want to be like this. 

 

He didn’t want to be intimate with someone and loathe himself. He wanted to let himself free fall off the edge and not care about anything but the freedom that it gave him.

 

But instead he was shackled to his past and his family’s prejudices that would only let him look out a very narrow window.

 

Sam was supposed to be his key to the outside. Ever since he saw that goofy smile on the boy after finding him tangled up in the feed bags with bows all around him he knew he was a goner. Grizz wanted Sam to be his savior and he had been for a while. 

 

But then he had to go and rush things and have sex for the first time with a boy in a loft of all places.

 

He had tried to be romantic and Sam seemed to appreciate it, especially the sex part, but somehow he had been dragged back into the darkness. 

 

He wiped away hot tears rolling down his cheeks as he paused with his shovel and leaned against the wood of the stall. Fuck his parents. Fuck his parents for dumping their deep rooted hatred inside him when he was an impressionable child. Fuck them for not showing him a world where two people could be happy no matter their gender or sexuality. Fuck them for shaping his view to a place where everytime he found himself staring at a boy and thinking he was cute, he felt dread instead of longing. Instead of seeing potential happiness with someone of his own gender, he found fear and persecution. 

 

He sucked in a deep breath, rubbing his face hard and went back to shoveling. 

 

He could feel the anxiety start to creep up on him.

 

Before when he had gotten close to another boy in college and they had very nearly had sex, he had broken down and cried and that boy left him behind, not wanting to deal with his fucked up mess. 

 

Perhaps that was where he got this notion in his head that he would never find love or someone that could deal with all of it. All of his awfulness. 

 

But then Sam had come into his life and he wondered that maybe…

 

He gritted his teeth as he forced the shovel hard against the cobblestones of the floor, letting his anger out. If he wasn’t such a mess he would be up there with Sam still, holding him tight and never letting him go. Now he wasn’t sure if he could even look him in the eye again without freaking out. 

 

At least the other boy he had nearly been with he could never see again if he didn’t want to. With Sam they had over half the summer left of being bunkmates. 

 

His breath stuttered in his chest and he had to stop, standing up straight and letting the shovel clang to the ground. 

 

 _Fuck_ he had to keep seeing Sam. 

 

Perfect Sam with his cute freckles and his easy laugh and his sparkling eyes and his amazing personality. 

 

He crouched into a little ball on the ground, burying his head in his hands, leaning against the wood panelling of the stall. 

 

He attempted to keep his breath under control, struggling to remember the deep breathing exercises that the college counselor had taught him but he couldn’t remember. He could only feel the panic rising in his chest, overwhelming him. 

 

“Grizz?” He heard a voice call out and gentle hands grasp his arms. He peeked out, suddenly anchored to that voice. But then he saw Sam looking at him with concern and he flinched away, scrambling back.

 

“No no no no.” He chanted and shook his head, turning his entire body away but not before he saw the hurt on Sam’s face. 

 

“Tell me what to do.” Sam spoke again, moving to his other side and he hides his face. 

 

“I can’t--I don’t---” He started but couldn’t get out a single complete sentence without his voice trembling. “Just go please.” He whispered, only keeping his face out purely for the fact that it would be the only way for Sam to understand. He didn’t have the energy to attempt to sign at him. He wanted to bury himself.

 

He didn’t look at Sam, not in the face, mostly focusing on the fact that Sam isn’t wearing shoes. Why wasn’t Sam wearing shoes? They had been wearing shoes when they walked into the stables last night. 

 

But then his mind whirled back to last night and he felt choked once again. 

 

“Sam! Just go okay!” He screamed before wrapping his arms tighter around himself. He hated the way Sam flinched away from him.

 

“Just tell me what to do.” Sam murmured and he very nearly missed it over the roar in his ears.

 

“Leave me.” He whispered. 

 

He hated the way that Sam followed his orders. 

 

He wished that he hadn’t.

 

But it was too late.

 

He wasn’t sure how long he was sitting on that stable floor but it was long enough that when he was able to uncurl his aching muscles he knew it was past lunch time because Gwen walked in to find him sitting on the stone floor.

 

She didn’t say anything but quickly walked over and knelt down next to him. “Panic attack?” She asked softly, not touching him. All he could do was nod. “Can I hug you?” She asked and he hesitated but then nodded slowly. She reached out slowly, letting her hands slide up his arms, testing his limits before she brought her body to his and hugged him soft at first, then tighter. He relaxed into her touch.

 

“I’m such an idiot.” He whispered as Gwen stroked his hair that he was sure was disgusting. 

 

He was disgusting.

 

“That’s not true and you know it.” 

 

He squeezed his eyes shut. “Then why does my brain keep screaming it at me?” He sucked in a deep breath, the last dredges of anxiety still curling around him. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t be using you for therapy or whatever.” He muttered and shifted away from her. She didn’t let him go.

 

“Grizz, yes you can be an idiot, but whatever caused this panic attack was not from you being an idiot. These things can just happen out of nowhere.” Gwen said in a soothing voice.

 

He felt the guilt rising. She didn’t know.

 

“It’s not out of nowhere though.” He said so softly he wasn’t even sure if Gwen heard him at all. “Sam and I...we…” He started but he couldn’t finish.

 

Gwen leaned back so she could face Grizz but didn’t unwrap her arms. “Yes, and?” She said gently. “Did you not like it?”

 

“I did. God, so much. But when I woke up… _fuck_ I-I…”

 

Gwen was silent, her hands rubbing his back.

 

“I shouldn’t be telling you this. You don’t want to know about it.” He looked away. He shouldn’t burden Gwen with this. It wasn’t right for him to do that.

 

“Grizz.” Gwen snapped and he couldn’t help but look back at her. “You are my friend and I want to help you. If talking about it helps you then let’s talk, and if not talking about it until you’re ready helps then I can wait but I will be here for you no matter what. You’re not some burden or whatever.” 

 

He watched her for a long moment, unsure what to say, and then he sagged against her and let out his breath that he hadn’t realized he was holding. “I fucked it up Gwen. I can’t get out of my fucking head every single time.” He said in a fierce whisper, tears springing back to his eyes. “And now Sam probably hates me because I pushed him away after taking his virginity probably. We never got around to discussing it. God I’m so _stupid_.”

 

“Calling yourself stupid isn’t going to help anyone. I’m sure Sam will forgive you if you just talk to him.” Gwen rubbed his arms as he wrapped them around his knees, bringing them to his chest. 

 

The idea of talking to Sam right now very nearly brought hives to his skin. “No no no no I can’t do that.” He shook his head and squeezed his knees tighter. 

 

“Okay. Okay we don’t have to do it right now.” 

 

“No Gwen you don’t understand. I have _ruined_ this. He’s never going to look at me the same.”

 

Gwen’s face softened into one of sympathy that was so sweet he had to look away. He didn’t deserve that. “I can’t say I know Sam as well as you, but I think you need to give him a little credit.”

 

Grizz was silent at that. Sam was smart and kind and funny and all the best qualities in a person. Maybe…

 

He sighed and hung his head. He was just glad he had the day off from campers because he wasn’t sure if he could have mustered up enough energy to deal with them today. Not after the draining exhaustion that he felt. “I need to sleep.” He said finally.

 

Gwen nodded. “Do you want me to walk you back to your cabin?”

 

“Um...yeah I do.”

 

She rose from the ground and held out her hands. Grizz took them and she pulled him to his feet, his joints aching. They walked back together, not saying anything but he was grateful for her presence. 

 

When they got there she stopped and turned to him and gave him a big hug. “It’ll be alright, you’ll see.” She said into his chest as he hugged her back. 

 

“Thank you.” He murmured into her hair before pulling back. 

 

“Anytime.” And then she was off back towards the stable to finish the work he had started but couldn’t finish. 

 

He stepped inside the cabin and sighed in relief that it was mercifully empty. He quickly jumped into the shower to wash off the sweat from last night and the gross stable floor. He poked his head around the corner and was glad the cabin was still empty. He knew he would have to deal with Sam eventually but right now he just wanted to fall into his bed and pass out into a hopefully dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big yike am I right?
> 
> Oh Grizz bby what is u doin  
> I just want to give him a giant hug poor thing. I did warn you about the angst though right? What goes up must come down. (Except in this world we end on the up ok)


	13. don't go breaking my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam doesn't know how to deal with his feelings and he's about to be confronted with them.

Sam was not used to this feeling. 

 

He wasn’t even sure what to call it. Sadness? No, it was more specific than that. Regret? No, he didn’t regret anything. Heartbreak?

 

Yeah. Heartbreak.

 

He had never felt it before. It was a stranger to him. In truth, it felt like he was fine for a little while. He could pretend he was fine and go on with his day, but then he would see something that reminded him of Grizz and he spiralled down hard. 

 

It had only been three days since he and Grizz had slept together in the most perfect of ways and it had two days since he had found Grizz curled up in a ball, shoving him away.

 

He wished he hadn’t had left but Grizz was so adamant and he was so helpless that he didn’t know what else he could have done. He had never seen someone have a panic attack before so when Grizz screamed (or what he imagined as a scream, his face certainly held the power of a yell in it) he had fled.

 

He thanked everything that Becca had been alone and he could hide out in her craft studio.

 

She had looked at him with surprise that quickly turned to concern when she saw his expression. “What’s wrong babe?” She asked and he collapsed into a chair, her sitting there next to him. 

 

“It’s Grizz he...I don’t know what he was doing but he was in bad shape.” He signed, not able to get out the words.

 

“Is he hurt?” Becca asked quickly.

 

“No, no, he was just curled into a little ball and told me to leave him and I-I...I did. I shouldn’t have.” He felt the tears coming. Becca wrapped her arms around him.

 

“What happened?” She signed with one hand.

 

“Honestly I don’t know. Last night he was super romantic and we...well we slept together and it was perfect. Honestly Becs it was perfect. I woke up this morning and he was gone and I found him like that and it’s like everything that happened last night never did and I don’t know what I did wrong.” He signed, the tears finally started to roll down his cheeks. 

 

Becca squeezed him tight and leaned her head against his shoulder. “I’m sorry Sam. I don’t really know what to say except that it’s not your fault. Whatever Grizz is going through, it’s not because of what you did.”

 

He leaned his head against hers and closed his eyes, letting the words sink in but they didn’t seem to register with his brain. This was the reason why he had never really dated anyone. He always got too invested too quickly and scared everyone away. He couldn’t believe he had just lost his virginity and the next morning lost the boy as well. He felt anger bubble up inside him as he opened his eyes and wiped away the tears. If Grizz couldn’t handle being with him then fine. He wouldn’t be with him. 

 

“Whatever. I don’t even care.” He punched the signs and Becca’s expression morphed into one of concern for him.

 

“Sam…” She signed and Sam shook his head.

 

“No, if this is what happens when I put myself out there then fuck it. I’ve been alone for this long, might as well keep going.” He signed bitterly. 

 

“Babe you don’t mean that.” Becca shook her head.

 

“Yeah I do. I thought maybe this time ya know? But it turns out it wasn’t real and he just used me.” 

 

“I highly doubt that.”

 

“Why else would he tell me to leave?”

 

“Because he was scared maybe? I don’t know, but I do know that Grizz does care about you.” Becca’s expression softened while his stayed hard and icy. “Just...give him time okay?”

 

He was silent and still for a while before giving Becca a curt nod, knowing that he wasn’t going to follow her advice. Sam had always been good at shutting doors and never looking back. It was how he kept himself from going crazy with longing. In high school he had let himself be too open and vulnerable and every time it had left him weak and exposed to getting hurt or left behind. He couldn’t say he had ever felt this feeling before because he slammed the door before anyone had the chance to let him open up. Now that he had left it open for Grizz to tiptoe through he was left just as lonely as before only this time it was worse because this time he actually cared.

 

“I’m gonna go take a shower.” He signed clumsily as he rose from his seat, Becca watching with her eyes. She reached out to grab his hand and gave it a little squeeze. He gave her a sad smile before turning and heading toward his cabin. 

 

In the past day he had seen Grizz of course, but everytime he turned away from him, even when Grizz stopped in his tracks and opened his mouth like he was going to say something. He knew it was petty but shit he had to do it to protect his own heart. 

 

He threw himself into the archery, practicing on his own more than he had ever had before. He set up different targets and challenged himself to hit them all while moving. He knew it had nothing to do with the events he did but it was something to do. 

 

At meals he sat with Becca, making sure that his back was facing Grizz. Becca attempted to cheer him up with hilarious stories of the campers and for a while he found happiness back in his life, but then he would have to leave her and it would disappear. 

 

The nights were the worst part because there was nothing to distract him but the ceiling and Grizz turning under him on his own bunk, and that wasn’t much of a distraction but more of a reason to travel back to their moments together. 

 

He knew it wasn’t healthy to let this fester but he didn’t know what to even say to the boy who he had let into his life. For once, he had no words.

 

“Hey Sam.” Gordie waved him down after a session with the older campers. 

 

He set down the bows he was gathering. “Hey Gordie, what’s up?” He asked.

 

“Just letting you know we’re bumping up the expedition to tomorrow instead of the end of the week because of the weather forecast.” 

 

He frowned. “Expedition?” 

 

“Yeah, the one you volunteered for. That’s a lifesaver for me man, I know I did it last year but I have been swamped this year for some reason.” Gordie laughed and shook his head.

 

“Wait...uh I’m not sure if I can...do it this session?” He said awkwardly and Gordie frowned.

 

“I’m afraid you’re the only one who can. Everyone else is either already going on it or they’re helping with the skits.” Gordie explained.

 

“Can I sleep in one of the camper tents?” He asked hesitantly and Gordie frowned a little harder.

 

“I think the campers would be more comfortable with their cabin leaders, Sam. What’s up? Why the sudden change of heart?”

 

“Oh nothing, nothing I just was wondering that’s all.” He quickly gave Gordie an award winning smile and Gordie gave him a hesitant one in return.

 

“Riiiiiight okay well I’ll see you at dinner then.” Gordie waved and headed back towards the main camp. 

 

Fuck.

 

He was going to have to sleep in the same tent as Grizz and he was already freaking out. He remembered how small that tent had been and the idea of being trapped in there with a boy who he was sure either hated him or had just used him for his own personal gain made his heart race and not in a good way. 

 

“Sam, Sam...hey, it’s gonna be okay.” Becca placed her hands on his shoulders after he came bursting in for the second time in less than a week.

 

“No it’s not gonna be Becca. I’m gonna be trapped there.” 

 

“Hey, worse comes to worse you can always just turn away and you’ll never know what he’s saying right?” Becca’s face broke out into a wry smile and he narrowed his eyes. She let the smile drop. “Sorry, trying to lighten the mood. But for real Sam, you’ve both had time to distance yourself so maybe this is a good thing.”

 

“Becs, he literally shoved me away.”

 

“Okay, no he didn’t _literally_ shove you away. Stop being dramatic.” 

 

He sucked in a deep breath and let himself plop down on the chair. “What if he hates me though?”

 

“No one could hate you Sam. You’re too good for that.” Becca sat down next to him. “It’s one night. You can keep it together for one night. I have faith in you.”

 

Sam watched her signs before looking up at her eyes and closed his own for a moment. “Okay.” He signed without looking at her before opening them again and looking at his hands. He could always count on Becca to calm him down. He wasn’t sure if he would have survived this camp without her and it wasn’t even halfway over. He reached out and took her hand. “Thanks.” He whispered, signing with his free hand.

 

“Anytime babycakes.” She beamed at him and reached out to give him a tight hug before signing ‘I love you’ which he easily reciprocated. 

 

He attempted to keep that feeling going as he waited around for the campers and the rest of the counselors to show up before their trek into the woods. He was already dreading the hike alone after the first time but since coming here he had gotten more cardio in purely by walking back and forth from his cabin to the archery area. 

 

Sam looked down at his shoes as he kicked rocks in a bored fashion. He leaned back on his hands, ready to get this over with. His gaze picked up on a pair of hiking boots that were familiar and he felt his body stiffen, not letting himself look up, instead he kept kicking the rocks.

 

He didn’t look back up until more feet joined them and he felt a sigh of relief at the sight. Grizz was giving directions to campers and everyone started to grab their packs before Grizz turned to set his sights on Sam. He froze again.

 

“You want to carry the tent again?” Grizz asked stiffly. Sam shrugged and nodded. Grizz gave him a quick nod and pointed to the tent that wasn’t attached to any pack. He quickly went over and clipped it onto his and slung it on his back, not making eye contact. 

 

The hike was still just as bad as his first one. He was still breathing just as hard, but this time he didn’t have Grizz encouraging him on. He stayed at the back, bringing up the rear but mostly as an excuse to keep as much distance between the boy as possible. 

 

He didn’t miss the glances though. 

 

He also didn’t miss the way his own eyes seemed to be drawn to Grizz in his stupid floppy hat and he hated it.

 

When they finally got to the campsite Sam made his way towards the same spot he and Grizz had stayed at before and let his pack fall to the ground. He unrolled the tent and did it the _proper_ way this time, determined not to need help.

 

Hands still reached out and he jerked back at the sudden sight of them. 

 

“Sorry, sorry.” Grizz moved back. “You just um...you have the poles in the wrong holes.” He pointed to the poles and Sam instantly saw his mistake and he quickly fixed it.

 

“Got it, thanks.” He gritted out. Grizz left him to his own devices and he found a space around the campfire in between Allie and Helena. He didn’t miss the way the two girls looked at each other but they thankfully said nothing. 

 

He zoned out throughout the campfire but still had a few good laughs with the girls and the campers but he missed out on most of the conversation as the sun began to set and it was harder to read lips against the jumping light of the fire. Eventually he gave up and made his way to the tent. 

 

As he got into his sleeping back, Grizz made his way through the flap and he froze at the sight of Sam, but then quickly unstuck himself and mauvered his way to his own sleeping bag. 

 

Sam looked up at the fabric ceiling and sighed. He really hoped Grizz wasn’t going to try and talk to him right now. He was exhausted from the hike. He channelled Becca and closed his eyes. He couldn’t know if Grizz was talking to him if he couldn’t see right?

 

Keeping his eyes still closed, he shifted onto his side, away from the other boy before opening his eyes and looking up at the shadows along the tent. He watched as a hand reached out tentatively towards him but stopped, curled its fingers up and moved back to its owner. 

 

He felt a pang of sadness.

 

This time two weeks ago they had their first kiss in this same tent under these same circumstances. Now it was like they were strangers even though Sam knew what Grizz looked like naked and what his face looked like when he came. 

 

He hated this but he couldn’t figure out a way to fix it. 

 

Not here.

 

Not tonight.

 

So instead he closed his eyes and tried to sink into oblivion and not think of the boy just a few inches from himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowowowowowowoow ANOTHER angst ridden chapter? You bet ur ass. I promised it and I always deliver sweet cheeks. Sometimes those angst chapters are honestly easier to write than the cute fluffy ones because they're much more relatable ja feel? Anywhoooo let me know how your little grizzam heart is doing because I know mine ain't doing all that great right now.


	14. color me blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grizz knows he has to confront Sam and he's hella nervous about it.

If there was one thing that could be said about Grizz it was that he was not good with confrontation. He had never been good at anything remotely close to it.

 

When his crayons got stolen by his desk partner in the first grade he had just let it happen.

 

When someone was starting a rumor about him sleeping with his best friends girl junior year of high school, he tried to make it better with his friend but he had lost him all the same.

 

When his roommate in college kept leaving garbage out, he didn’t say anything, just put it into the trashcan because he didn’t want to be sleeping next to someone who hated him when he already hated himself.

 

Confronting Sam, however, felt inevitable and his heart kept pounding at the thought of it. He knew he couldn’t go on like this though. He knew he had to break the ice that had formed between them because for the first time ever he cared enough not to run.

 

When he woke up in the tent that they had shared their first kiss he wasn’t happy this time. No, this time he was riddled with anxiety and sadness. A stark contrast to less than a month ago. 

 

He rolled to his side and saw that Sam was still dead asleep so he got out of his sleeping bag and didn’t disturb him as he made his way towards the fire. Clark was yawning and walking toward him.

 

“Tell me again why I do this?” Clark asked as he stretched his arms up to the sky.

 

“For the money?” Grizz asked and they both snorted. The money was definitely not enough incentive to do it but they both loved the campers so they kept coming back.

 

“You want to start the fire while I get the food out?” Clark asked.

 

“You want me to do it because you know you can’t right?” Grizz teased and Clark shrugged.

 

“I’m not the wilderness expert am I?” Clark grinned and Grizz laughed, starting the fire all the same. Soon they had breakfast going and the campers along with Allie, Helena, Jason, and finally Sam gathered around.

 

Grizz watched Sam as he went to sit with some of the boy campers and they quickly invited him into their circle. He felt a pang in his chest as he sat next to Allie.

 

“Something happen between the two of you?” Allie asked and Grizz turned to look at her. She had a faint expression of concern.

 

“What makes you say that?” He asked around his bite of egg.

 

“Last expedition you and him were constantly together and now you two can barely look at each other.”

 

He was silent as he ate another bite.

 

“I don’t mean to pry, I just thought you two were cute together.”

 

He nearly choked on his next bite. “What?” He asked as he recovered and Allie shrugged.

 

“You two were cute. I mean, you were together right?”

 

“I mean…” He started and gave a noncommittal noise and shrugged, not looking at the girl. 

 

“I don’t care either way Grizz, but whatever is between the two of you, you both have looked miserable these last few days.” Allie said easily and Grizz slid his gaze back to Sam across the clearing. Sam had been looking sad too? He supposed it made sense that Sam would be sad but he figured he would be more angry than sad.

 

He had just left him alone and practically forced his hand away when he was having the panic attack after all. He hadn’t wanted Sam there to see him like that and his mind was a jumbled mess of self-loathing and confusion at what had happened between them. 

 

Now that he had some distance from the entire mess he was able to see things more clearly, and he needed to tell Sam.

 

It took him a bit to work up to it. They were at the lagoon where he had first felt the simmering of...something work between them. He still remembered the way Sam’s eyes bore into him with both heat and tenderness before the moment had shattered and the boy moved away from him. He should had kissed him then and there knowing what he knew now, but then it was like a connection had formed between them and lead them down this path. A path that Grizz was terrified to know where it ended.

 

Sam sat on a rock watching the campers with a little smile, his knees pulled up to his chest in the shade. Grizz could feel his heart pounding in his chest as he walked slowly over to the boy. 

 

“Hi.” He signed as Sam looked up as his shadow passed over his face. Sam gave him a wary look.

 

“Hi.” Sam signed back but didn’t say anything else. It made sense. He had messed this up so it was his obligation to reach out across the chasm that had formed.

 

“Can we talk?” He asked hesitantly and Sam studied him for a moment.

 

“Are you just going to yell at me to leave again?” The boy answered in a deadpan tone and Grizz felt the sting like he had just gotten a backhand to the face. He felt himself flinch back without wanting to. Sam’s expression of cool indifference faltered and he looked down at his hands that were still wrapped around his knees. “Sorry.” He muttered and Grizz reached out with his hand but stopped a few inches from Sam’s skin, his fingers curling into themselves. He wasn’t sure if Sam wanted him to touch him right now.

 

“Can we go somewhere more private?” He asked when Sam’s eyes slid back to his. 

 

Sam sighed and nodded, letting his legs unfold and let Grizz lead the way into the woods. He could feel his heartbeat in his chest and as his stomach was churning. Why was he doing this again?

 

He stopped in a small clearing and saw Sam behind him.

 

Oh right, _that_ was why he was doing this.

 

Grizz sucked in a breath and let his gaze move to Sam’s eyes. Sam looked at him expectantly. “This is...I’m sorry. First off.” He swallowed. Holy fuck this was going to be hard. 

 

“What are you sorry for?” Sam asked, folding his arms across his chest. 

 

“For yelling at you. For pushing you away. For...everything.” He said, voicing breaking on the last word and he was glad Sam couldn’t hear the emotion in his voice. 

 

Sam watched him but he took a step closer. “Why did you push me away? I still don’t know why you wouldn’t want me to help you through...whatever that was.”

 

Grizz closed his eyes and shook his head, shoulders falling a bit. “You were the reason I was having a panic attack.” He murmured, eyes opening to stare at the ground, locking onto Sam’s shoes. 

 

“Me? I caused you to have a panic attack? What did I even do?” Sam asked, voice rising a bit in anger and Grizz bit his lip at that. Sam was justified though. He deserved to be angry at him. 

 

“Nothing, you did nothing.”

 

“Then _please_ explain to me what the fuck is going on.” Sam’s voice was now heated and his eyes snapped to Sam’s face. His expression was anger and he flinched again. This time Sam’s expression didn’t falter. “Do you know how I felt? How I put myself out there and actually let myself open up to someone and then the _day_ after we sleep together you’re yelling at me and telling me to leave you when all I wanted to do was help. That’s fucked up Grizz.” Sam’s voice was pure fury at this point. 

 

“It is. I’m sorry you don’t deserve that.” He said, his voice trembling. 

 

Sam was silent for a moment, fuming to himself as he glared at Grizz. “I trusted you. I don’t trust a lot of people Grizz I need you to know that.”

 

Grizz squeezed his eyes shut and dropped to his knees, putting his hands behind his head as he sucked in a breath. Fuck he shouldn’t have done this here. Not with all the campers so close. He slows his breathing in an attempt to thwart the panic he felt rising in him. 

 

He felt Sam kneel next to him and he doesn’t jerk away when he feels a hand on his back. 

 

“Don’t push me away.” Sam murmured and Grizz looked up slowly. 

 

“What?” He asked softly.

 

“Don’t push me away this time. Tell me what to do.” 

 

Grizz took a second to process what Sam was saying. “Just hold me.” He whispered. Sam nodded and wrapped his arms around Grizz’s body and Grizz let himself fall into Sam’s lap. The comforting presence of Sam’s scent and heat against his skin and seeping through his shirt felt more comforting that he imagined it would be. He felt the panic subside until his heartbeat slowed and he shifted in Sam’s arms.

 

“Better?” Sam asked.

 

Grizz nodded and sat up. Sam let him go but they sat close enough for Grizz to still feel the heat roll off the boy. “I’m sorry.” 

 

“You keep apologizing.” Sam pointed out. 

 

“I know. I don’t mean to.” Grizz said quietly.

 

“Is it bad to ask what caused this panic attack? Are you not supposed to do that?” Sam asked hesitantly.

 

“You mean a lot to me Sam.” Grizz swallowed as he pulled at some of the grass on the ground, needing something to do with his hands. “I also have this incessant need to always be pleasing people and never do confrontation because that means I wasn’t pleasing someone.” He said bitterly this time. 

 

“How are you a top?” Sam squinted at him and Grizz gaped at him before he let out a bark of a laugh. Sam’s mouth curled up at the corners. Grizz felt Sam’s fingers curl into his. “I’m still mad at you and we have more to discuss but I think we have to get back to those campers right now and I think you have to show them some bear shit or something.” 

 

Grizz nodded solemnly because he did want to get out his feelings and thoughts and this definitely was not the place to do it. He let Sam pull him to his feet and he felt bone tired but he knew he could put on a somewhat cheery face for the campers. At least on the way down it would already be better than the trek up.

 

He kept catching glimpses of Sam and instead of feeling dread he felt tendrils of hope that perhaps he hadn’t totally messed this up.

 

Once they were back at the camp, he pulled Sam out towards the lake. He couldn’t go back to the stables right now with Sam in tow. He knew it wouldn’t end well. 

 

Sam sat across from him on the log that they had drank to their stupidity before going skinny dipping. It seemed he would have places around the camp that before held fun camp memories but now held moments of where Sam would always linger.

 

“My dad isn’t a good person.” He said after they studied each other for a moment. “He’s mean and cruel but in tiny ways you know? He always leaves this little remarks about gay people and how they should all die or get shot or how they’re the worst type of people.” He let out a breath and he felt Sam’s hand slip into his grip. He looked up and gave him a flash of a sad smile. “He still thinks that I’m this big macho football player who gets all the ladies when I’m probably the exact opposite, but I gotta pretend you know? He pays the bills.” He shrugged with a smile that faltered until it fell.

 

“That’s awful Grizz.” Sam replied softly. Grizz nodded, not looking at him and he swallowed.

 

“I tried to ignore it all throughout high school but I remember when I watched the most cliche gay movie ever and realized that I wanted that those gay cowboys had you know? Brokeback Mountain always gets flack but it’s something that really opened my eyes. I mean the ending was awful and was a warning that ‘oh yeah Grizz you can’t come out yet because your dad might do that to you’ but it was something.” 

 

God he felt like he was spilling out his entire soul here but it was Sam’s hand that kept him from floating away. 

 

“But when I got to college I just couldn’t get past all of internalized emotions. It was like I was trying to get out of a cage that was only half unlocked. I tried to get close to people, to be intimate with them and anytime I got anywhere close I would freak out and have a panic attack and they would just go away.” 

 

He didn’t realize when the tears started falling but fall they did. 

 

“I honestly thought I was broken or that I was just one of those people that wouldn’t get to experience happiness with another person. And I know how cliche that sounds too. Like ‘oh yeah I found happiness with you’ or whatever but fuck Sam I didn’t hear that voice in the back of my head telling me how gross I was for liking a boy. Not with you.” He let his eyes slowly drift up towards Sam who was staring at him with tears in his own eyes.

 

Grizz dropped his eyes again.

 

“But the morning after I heard it again and I thought for sure I was in the clear, like I had made it past all my fucked up mess but all I could hear was how gross I was and that not how I felt at all but that’s all I could hear. I’m-I’m sorry.” 

 

The tears fell freely now.

 

“Grizz…” Sam started but he didn’t look up. “Grizz please look at me.” 

 

How could he say no?

 

“It’s me who should apologize. I left you when you were feeling this way and then I ignored you for days.” Sam’s voice was pained.

 

“No,” He shook his head. “You didn’t know. I told you to leave me and you did what anyone else would do in that situation.”

 

Sam’s mouth formed a hard line. “Well now I know. I don’t know what I could say that would make any of what you said better but I’m really glad you told me.” Sam squeezed his hand gently and his mouth softened to more of a relaxed expression. “I missed you even if I hated to admit it.” He said, a little embarrassed. “But I get it now.”

 

Grizz felt a weight lift off of him. “You do?”

 

“I mean not fully because I haven’t had to go through the thing’s you’ve had to but I get why you pulled away from me. Is it too much to ask that you don’t do it again?” Sam asked. 

 

Grizz let out a little laugh and leaned forward the plant a soft, yearning kiss on Sam’s lips. Sam didn’t pull away and that felt like a victory in itself. In fact Sam leaned into the kiss. He pulled back, not wanting to break whatever tentative bridge they had built. 

 

“Thank you.” He breathed, signing to Sam. 

 

“Always.” Sam breathed back, and pulled him back for another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MY BABIESSSSSS finally they're on better ground (I say like this was just two chapters of angst lol I'm weak obviously I can't keep the angst going for very long I'm too much of a romantic). Whew this was a lot though how we all doing? We doing okay? Anyone need some snacks? A fruity drink of the alcohol variety?


	15. for i can't help falling in love with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Grizz join in another bonfire. Sam's still not sure where he stands though.

Things were…weird.

 

Yes he and Grizz had made up but it felt like there was still something there between them. He had seen Grizz’s entire soul and hadn’t run obviously, but things were still different. 

 

He found himself being shier around Grizz, not sure how to touch him anymore, not sure what was okay and what wasn’t. 

 

His fingers itched at the lack of contact whenever Grizz was around. He wanted to always have at least one body part on the boy at all times whenever he was in eyeline but then he thought back to seeing Grizz alone on that stable floor and crouched down in the field and all because of _him_. All because he was a boy even though Grizz had told him straight up that he was exclusively gay. Not bisexual, not pansexual, not whateversexual, but gay. 

 

And yet he had caused both of those panic attacks.

 

Way to kill the vibe.

 

So he enjoyed his time with Grizz but he found himself always on guard, like he wasn’t sure what was okay and what wasn’t. It was exhausting. 

 

Things had gone well till the end of the second session and he was looking forward to the end of session bonfire. If the last bonfire was to be repeated he wouldn’t have any qualms about it one bit. He wasn’t so sure it would happen though. 

 

If he was being honest he was nervous.

 

But then Grizz would look over and smile at him in that soft way that made his heart beat a little harder and he kept thinking that maybe this could still work out. Maybe Grizz would be able to still be with him.

 

And maybe he could tear down those steel walls he had slammed up to protect himself.

 

It seemed he had already started lowering them when Grizz had confessed to him but they were still high walls and Sam was stubborn. 

 

Grizz booty bumped him as he caught up as he walked back to the cabin. 

 

“Hey.” Grizz signed and Sam couldn’t help the smile that twisted onto his face.

 

“Hey.” He signed back.

 

“You alright?” Grizz asked and Sam gave him a confused look.

 

“Yeah, why would I not be?”

 

Grizz chewed his lip nervously. “I dunno you’ve seemed distant.”

 

Sam stopped in his tracks and Grizz stopped as well. “I’m still...wary I guess?” He said awkwardly.

 

“Wary?”

 

“Yeah.” It was his turn to chew on his lip. “I really like you Grizz and I want to be with you, I really do, but…” He trailed off.

 

“Ah. Wary.” Grizz said softly.

 

Sam shrugged and turned away from Grizz, not sure what to say. Grizz grabbed his arm and he turned back in the boy’s grip. 

 

“I get it. And I’m trying. I think letting it all out in the open is already helping.” Grizz said and stepped into Sam’s personal space. He brushed back Sam’s hair with the hand that wasn’t gripping his arm and Sam felt his heart pound a little harder and his lips part just slightly as he gazed up at the boy who was looking down at him. 

 

“You think so?” Sam breathed.

 

Grizz nodded as his hand wrapped around Sam’s neck just barely. “I like you too Sam. A lot in fact. Just...give me time okay?”

 

Sam’s lips came together and he nodded, taking a step back, Grizz’s hold on him broken. Grizz stepped forward again and Sam looked up when Grizz’s fingers tucked themselves under Sam’s chin. He sucked in a breath as he saw Grizz lower his face to Sam’s and then they were kissing. It was a light kiss, nothing too dangerous. Sam let himself relax into it, body unlocking. 

 

Grizz pulled back and slipped his hand into Sam’s before leading them both towards the cabin. Sam didn’t pull away but he tensed again. “What if people see?” He asked hesitantly. 

 

Grizz’s face was frozen for a second before relaxing. “Let them.”

 

Sam’s heart soared in ways he knew it shouldn’t. He shouldn’t have let Grizz back in so quickly, he knew that. He knew the hesitation and the baggage that came with being around Grizz in this kind of way but it seemed his heart was leading him where his mind knew it shouldn’t tread.

 

They got ready for the bonfire and this time Sam only waved at Becca rather than attempting to go sit with her. She gave him a thumbs up and a giant grin as he and Grizz went to sit on a log that was unoccupied. Sam turned a little so he could see Grizz’s mouth. 

 

“You know when you look at me like that it makes me want to tackle you right here.” Grizz mused, fiddling with the Solo cup that he had gotten for himself. Sam held a similar one.

 

“Oh yeah? How am I looking at you?” Sam smirked with an arched eyebrow raised in question.

 

“Like you’re already undressing me.” Grizz said, taking a long sip as a blush colored Sam’s cheeks. 

 

“We’ve wasted a lot of time you know.” Sam shrugged and Grizz tensed for a second. Sam didn’t apologize. Grizz had already done enough of that for the both of us. He reached out to place a hand on Grizz’s thigh, a little too high for it to be anything other than suggestive. “We could do our usual thing and get the hell out of here.”

 

Grizz was silent for a moment. His eyes were reflecting the light of the fire dancing in them but Sam could still see the desire pool there. “Are you sure?” He asked softly.

 

“Only if you are.” Sam shot back, taking a sip of his drink and he slid his hand along Grizz’s thigh before bringing it back to his own knee. “I’m always sure.”

 

Grizz stood suddenly and Sam looked up, slightly startled. The boy held out a hand for Sam to take and he did without question. Grizz hauled him to his feet and wrapped his arm around Sam’s waist as he swayed a little from the uneven terrain and the fact that the alcohol was hitting him. He giggled into Grizz’s chest before righting himself. 

 

“Where do you want to take me?” Sam asked Grizz abruptly. 

 

“I thought you were taking _me_ somewhere.” Grizz smirked and Sam’s eyes widened.

 

“Yes. Let me be the top tonight.” Sam said with a grin. Grizz’s eyes widened and he let out a sputtering string of nonsense that Sam couldn’t quite grasp in this light and the fact that things were turning fuzzy. He reached up to grasp his hand around Grizz’s neck. Grizz stilled and looked him in the eyes. “Let me be the top.” He said again, quieter this time and Grizz nodded slowly. Sam nodded as well and removed his hand from Grizz’s neck, placing it into his hand, effectively dragging Grizz toward the stables.

 

When they got there Grizz stopped and Sam turned, his arm being yanked from the lack of movement of the boy behind him. 

 

“This okay?” He asked, looking questioningly at Grizz. 

 

“Um.” Grizz started and Sam walked back the few steps where Grizz had stopped.

 

He put a hand around Grizz’s neck again and brought the boy’s mouth down to his for a soft kiss. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to.” He murmured against Grizz’s lips before leaning back to catch his lips in the light of one of the cabins. 

 

“Maybe not yet.” Grizz said softly, not looking Sam in the eyes. 

 

“Can I ask what’s holding you back? You’re safe here you know.” Sam asked.

 

“I know it’s just…”

 

“It’s a lot?” Sam gave him a wry smile and Grizz nodded.

 

“Fuck Sam I’m sorry.” Grizz groaned and covered his face with his hands. Sam slipped his arms around Grizz’s waist and hugged him, leaning his head against the boy’s chest. He could feel Grizz’s heartbeat and it felt like a solid thump against his skin. 

 

“I know.” He said, burying his face in Grizz’s scent and breathing in deeply. They stood there for a while, Grizz’s arms eventually coming down to hug Sam back as well. 

 

“Will you at least kiss me until I fall asleep?” Sam asked, moving his head back again.

 

Grizz grinned at him and nodded. “Come on, let’s go back to the cabin.”

 

Sam let himself get pulled towards their cabin and they each got ready for bed. He could only assume the bonfire was still raging outside considering they were alone. Even Gordie was still out. Sam stood next to Grizz, brushing his teeth and making eyes at him in the mirror to the point that Grizz kept smiling at him, toothpaste dribbling out of his mouth more than once which of course caused Sam to laugh. 

 

He pulled off his shirt and let Grizz climb into the bottom bunk first before he crawled in after, facing the boy. It was a bit of a struggle to get the blanket over both of them but soon he was in a warm cocoon with Grizz and only Grizz. He let his fingers trail over Grizz’s bare chest, looking at the contours of his body as he did. He felt Grizz tighten his grip on Sam’s bicep and he looked up at the boy’s lips.

 

“Yes?” He asked expectantly, signing along with the word.

 

“It tickles.” Grizz said with a little half smile. 

 

“Good.” Sam smirked, letting his fingers go back to their tracing. He let them move down his chest and stopped at one of his nipples, circling it slowly. He watched it perk up and he shimmied down a little bit to lick at it curiously. He felt Grizz go tense under him, hips shifted slightly forward in reaction. He sucked harder and he could feel the vibration of a rumble in Grizz’s chest. “Do you like that?” He asked, gaze shifting up under his eyelashes at Grizz. The boy nodded quickly. Sam turned his attention back to the task at hand and continued to lick and suck and then bit slightly. That was when Grizz’s hips really bucked forward.

 

“Sam…” Grizz moved his hand to run it through Sam’s hair to get his attention.

 

“Yes Grizz?” He asked expectantly.

 

“Kiss me.” Grizz signed and Sam gave him a lopsided smile. He worked his way back up to Grizz’s face. He let his lips ghost over Grizz’s jerked back a little when Grizz pushed forward, his smile widening to one of a more evil sort. He leaned forward again before jerking back again with a little laugh. He tried it one more time but Grizz reached out and snatched the back of his head and brought him roughly to his lips. They felt like coming home.

 

He let Grizz take the lead, easily opening his mouth when the boy pushed his way in with his tongue, deepening the kiss. Sam pushed his leg through Grizz’s, letting their hips slot together. He let out a little gasp when the hand in his hair pulled a bit when he attempted to rub their crotches together. He was pulled off Grizz’s lips so that he could see what Grizz was attempting to communicate.

 

“You’re naughty you know that?”

 

“You love it.” Sam grinned and then he pushed forward and their lips met again.

 

He wasn’t sure how long they kissed in the tiny twin bunkbed. Long enough that he started to get drowsy, the alcohol taking effect. Eventually his lips could hardly move against Grizz’s.

 

“I’m sleepy.” He murmured and Grizz hugged him tight before relaxing his grip. Sam managed to open his eyes once more.

 

“Goodnight.” Grizz said, his own eyes hooded as the sleep began to set in for him as well. 

 

“Mmm goodnight.” Sam replied, eyes closing. He snuggled against Grizz, face nearly in his chest. He let himself drink in the boy’s scent, something that was quickly becoming associated with comfort and home. 

 

He felt himself drift off at the feeling of Grizz’s chest rising and falling in tandem with his own and he knew that nothing would be better than this moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww just a sweet lil chapter of fluffy goodness. I think we all needed it right? Like sure last chapter was sweet and we got a lot out of it but damn if you don't just love some cotton candy rot your teeth fluff amiright? Updates will be coming a bit more irregularly thanks to the start up of school again but don't worry I'm still around!!


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